spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( Some things transcend massacres, and shipping is apparently one of them. Emil's used to their fawning strangeness, so any of their interest is quickly dismissed -- even if they do appear to be leering. It's probably not made better by the fact Lalli smells like some a/b/o creature to them.

The more awkward issue in Emil's eyes is eating while thinking about what all he'd just seen, so his appetite isn't what it usually is. Drinking is easier, so he'll just stick to doing that as well. )

That's a relief... I know there was a little bit of a warning, but no one seemed to expect this. ( It really makes his stomach clench up. Emil's not particularly fond of the Palai, especially in their larger forms, but they're really just simple romantic lizard folk. They didn't deserve to be so senselessly --

Okay, actually that's enough of thinking about that, it's just making him want to regurgitate. ) Do you feel better? At all?

( Lalli literally just took a drink of water like 30 seconds ago, but that's the easiest deflection topic he can turn to so he doesn't have to think about dead lizards. )

[hey don't kinkshame]

No. They didn't.

[He's more used to this, but he's made himself accept that Emil just...isn't. Death was always upsetting, but in cases like these -- bloodthirsty creatures making an attack when people thought they had a good thing going? Yeah. Sounds about fucking right in Lalli's book. These things happened. You had to do what you could, and you needed fuel and time in order to do that. What life is still there needs to go on.]

Not really. [lowkey judging Emil for asking already, but that, too, was expected. idiot boy. With another, softer sigh, Lalli reaches out and rests his hand on the table, palm up, in offering.] You'll be okay.

[Come on, dude. Buck up. He doesn't like seeing you like this!!!]

( He's still got a few mass murders to go before he's hardened to things like this -- no, he'll still be just as squeamish, just more used to things like this happening in general.

Emil stares queasily at his water before he sees Lalli's hand slide into his peripheral. At first he just stares at it a little blankly -- he's not a total idiot. The guy who still doesn't get what a fist bump is is...offering to hold his hand...?

Well, he's not going to say no. In fact, it does make him feel better. He takes it, grateful at the very least for a gesture of comfort, giving Lalli's hand a reassuring squeeze. )

So will you. ( He can hope. )

[Hope is pretty stupid, but...the warmth between them makes Lalli forget about scolding him on that for now. He drops his gaze to their hands, the smallest of smiles forming while he studies the differences between them. Lalli's were still pale and bony in comparison, and looked like they should make someone as sensitive as Emil recoil, but they didn't. He kept his hand in his.

It was nice.]

Mmn.

[Maybe Emil was right, he sort of felt better already. There was less...whatever that feeling was that had been driving him insane over the last couple hours.]

...What is it when you want to do something you...don't want to do?

[thanks]

( ...Is he losing the ability to speak? Maybe Emil should continue to be concerned. )

What do you mean...like the word for it? ( He furrows his brows while he takes a drink with the hand not currently occupied by another hand. )

[yeah you better not take away his nice handhold]

Yeah. What's that called? It's real, right?

[This is a thing...people sometimes go through...? how busted is he]

It doesn't really make sense on its face, but a specific word...I'm not sure. I guess it could happen, though I can't really think of a situation where I'd want to do something I normally didn't want to do.

( Says someone who has done mini 180s on several basic principles, traits and interests in the past few months, but there were actual reasons for that. Emil will rack his ~previously academic brain~ for a better answer to this question, though consider him intrigued. )

Why do you ask?

[Ugh, yeah, it was a better question for someone like Tuuri, not...Emil... That butterfly feeling that was probably hope had been contagious, even if his own weird sickness wasn't.]

...I don't know.

[His fingers twitch involuntarily, but he soon quiets them with a careful squeeze of Emil's hand, since that had apparently worked in comforting the other when he did it.]

It's stupid. I feel like that, I guess. It's why I think something's wrong. If it was normal, it might...be okay. Maybe.

( For as much clarity as that offers, it also doesn't really answer some of the bigger questions. You are an enigma, Mr. Hotakainen. )

If you feel like that, then what is it you want to do all of a sudden? I'm sure it can't be that big of a deal...and if you want to do it right now, it's not like you're doing something you truly don't want to after all.

( You're treading dangerous territory, Mr. Västerström. )

[That's...questionable... He'd gone out into the Silent World and erroneously thought some of that was okay, but if he could go back and make the decision to never leave Finland?

...Emil's skin really is soft against his, isn't it? Full of life, just like his smile, and eyes, and his voice when he had even a little bit of confidence in what he was saying.

Wait, what was Lalli thinking about, again?]

What? [ -- oh yeah.] Um. Weird...stuff. [uh] I don't think...here is the place. I wouldn't be comfortable. [uhhh]

( What in the fuck does this kid want to do all of a sudden??? If you ask Emil, most of what Lalli does already is weird, so if he's subconscious about something being weird...lord help him.

He would ask if it had to do with dead things or mage stuff but the last time he brought similar subjects up it seemed to be touchy (even if mostly to Emil himself), so...guess he'll just ride this train and see where it takes him. )

Eat then, and we can go do whatever it is you want to. ( Emil finally lets go of Lalli's hand, almost forgetting his own was occupied. He's inserting himself into whatever this is instinctively, and maybe subconsciously out of a morbid curiosity. ) Wherever you think is comfortable, too.

[He'd be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed to have two free hands again, but at least Emil isn't pressing him to continue right here, right now. This kind of support was completely alien to him, but like most alien things surrounding Emil, it...wasn't so bad. He could make room in his schedule to get used to this, as long as he didn't start to rely on it. Once that happened, it would all fall apart. Nodding to himself, but also to show Emil that he's complying, he sets to work on this food given to them by wistful lizards.

When he's done, he gets up with just a quick update of,] Still don't feel different, [before making his way out the door and in the direction of Emil's...weird room thing. He wouldn't say he's exactly comfortable there, but it was better than any other place he could think of in this stupid lizard world.]

You don't feel weird, right? Like I'm making you not-poisoned, too?

( Emil only managed to eat a few bites -- some hand-holding won't totally get rid of a deep-seated, post-murder party dread that's settled in the pit of his stomach, so he mostly takes bites just to have something to do.

There's no recognition of what he's doing, other than a vague mental thought of "My room is over here." Walking outside, the remaining Palai are still trying to gather things, mend broken stalls and the like. )

No -- not like you feel, I think. ( He'd be lying if he said he felt totally normal, but what he is feeling is certainly understandable for what just happened. ) At this point I don't think you're poisoned...at least I don't know of a poison that would just make you want to do some weird things, nothing else.

( Fact: Emil doesn't know much about poisons, so this is essentially meaningless. )

Mm. I said not-poisoned.

[His words were totally clear because he has zero issues with communication or even just figuring out basic words. He glances behind himself every now and again, mostly to make sure Emil isn't lagging too far behind, and -- what is he doing, looking like that? It makes that new need pop up again, but Lalli does his best to ignore it. Not here, not just...out of the blue like that.]

...Do you want to help me tomorrow? I was going to do more...funeral stuff. And maybe fix...things? [???? what the fuck do people do to help when they ran out of work related to them]

( Emil looks up, unaware his gaze had sort of drifted off into the distance. Lalli was asking him to do stuff...funeral stuff? Admittedly, he'd have no idea what he should do, but knowing Lalli he'd set him straight pretty quickly. )

Sure. I can help you fix things, but what do you want me to do about funerals? ( Fixing things makes sense; imagining Lalli lifting heavy things is kind of comical to imagine. Not that his muscles are useful, for as present as they are.

Funeral things...it just depends on those death rites they danced around last time. )

Um. I don't know.

[honestly...]

I guess you...can't. For most of it. Maybe...the people? Part?

[Like with lifting things, comforting the grieving was something Lalli was absolute shit at. Emil was awkward and bumbling, but...he'd still be better at it than Lalli, right? Maybe he could turn those warm eyes on sad lizards and make them feel better? Something.]]

( Ah. Figures. He is decent with the Palai -- they seem to be easily infatuated with him, so he's got a chance of helping them get over their grief through letting them touch his hair. His place in life has now been established. )

Yeah, I can do that. The Palai can be overwhelming, after all. ( Not that there's a whole lot of 'em left!! Hahaha!! ) It's nice that you're willing to do things like that for them; I'm sure they appreciate it.

( They seem to be very fascinated by magic and also family-oriented, so Emil can only imagine how they'd react to something like death rites. )

[He shrugs weakly, not...sure what to do with that. Funny how he spent so long longing to be praised for, well, anything, and then now here he is. Maybe it was just because it was death-related that it felt so awkward...?]

It's...my job.

[thank the gods they're coming up on Emil's place, he's not sure he can keep doing this for multiple reasons.]

They need the help.

( Emil is thankful too since the conversation kind of became a downer, and it actually makes him realize that Lalli...apparently wants to go to "his place." Well, if that makes him comfortable.

Hopefully he's not wrong -- Emil gives Lalli A Look as he approaches his door, finding it strange that a couple of weeks ago Lalli didn't seem to want to speak to him much, let alone come to his room multiple times in a short time span. )

This is where you were going, right? Come in. ( He opens the door and watches his friend expectantly. Mi suite es tu suite. )

[Privacy...at last. It's still not an ideal spot, but it's as good as it's going to get, so he marches in with sure steps and set shoulders. Yes, he's definitely confident and comfortable this thing he mysteriously wants out of no where...! Ignore the deep, shuddering breath!]

...It's okay? [Is Emil sure about letting him do something weird? Will he really stand by him through this...?]

( This is essentially killing him at this point. He's so curious, but also nervous because...what is he doing? What is he going to do? Is he going to have to clean up after whatever it is? Are there bones??

Maybe it's okay to be a little apprehensive...? )

I guess...? I trust you. ( if it's gross, he's going to mcfreakin lose it )

[Ah... He trusts him. That must be why Lalli feels so intensely like he could stare death in the face right at this instant. And why he's so terrified that he's made a mistake again... He trusts Emil. Trusting things -- trusting people -- had never really worked out great in the past.

So. Here's hoping Emil's way of breaking new ground with a simple, moronic trip would continue here.

Lalli tries to get any twitches under control, but the longer he holds back, the harder it is to do so, so it isn't long before he inhales, holds it, and steps closer. His arms worm themselves under the other's so he could fold himself tightly against Emil's form, all angles despite his best attempt at being ginger and just...a good fit. Being new to this outside of Tuuri's forced interactions probably didn't help. Tucking his face into Emil's shoulder, he finally exhales, hot and nervous.]

Hold me. If this is okay.

( If you gave Emil a hundred guesses as to what "weird things" Lalli wanted to do in his room, this certainly wouldn't have been one of them.

Despite Lalli's small stature, Emil suddenly feels like he's being absorbed. Even if he's boney and the width of a birch tree, he doesn't feel bad. It's not the first time he's been this close to Lalli, at all, but it's the first time Lalli's ever done this to him. It's also...really intimate, which is actually really nice.

While his mind is racing with the sudden shock of it all, his arms just sort of stay in place for a second because...oh. That really just happened. It takes him about 10 seconds before he finally complies. It's not meant to be a malicious hesitation, but he needs time to wrap his read around the request. Emil places his arms around Lalli securely, not squeezing but instead holds him comfortably. )

Is this -- is this that weird thing you wanted to do? ( He asks this stupidly while trying to figure out where to put his hands and his head; oh god hugs were so much easier before this moment, why is he suddenly an idiot. ) It's okay...I mean, if it is that weird thing after all!

[The hesitation is killing him. He's about to pull away when he finally feels the relief of a ring of pressure curling around him, as...odd as that is to say. And feel. The thought of You hate this, you should punch him. circles around his head a few times before realizing it's going to be ignored and settling into an anxious buzz.

Instead of a proper reply, he can only manage a hum and tiny nod. Yes... This is his shameful weird activity. Stop shaming him.

...Also he's kind of. Not letting go? Or loosening up? secretly death hug at least his arms are weak baby branches]

( Okay, well at least he's got confirmation. The fear that maybe Lalli was giving him an apology hug before dissecting a lizard in front of him vanishes...this isn't some animal ear world, he's got a ways to go in this regard still.

Lalli never lets up which means he feels like he should probably stay the same way. At least he figured out where to put his awkward appendages, so he's stuck standing and feeling Lalli's breathing patterns in his shoulder. Something about it feels sort of familial, which may be why he rubs Lalli's back slowly with one hand.

Emil has the thought that Lalli has been more forthcoming with his feelings lately, but maybe trying to say something about needing someone to give him physical reassurance was hard? If he needs a hug after all that's happened, her certainly won't say no.

He pulls his head back a little just so he's not muffled or unheard. ) This...isn't weird. At least not to me. ( He's gotten hugs when he was down thousands of times...and the idea of this being weird pheromones is further from his mind than Lalli somehow being handsy. )

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