spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

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[Ah... He trusts him. That must be why Lalli feels so intensely like he could stare death in the face right at this instant. And why he's so terrified that he's made a mistake again... He trusts Emil. Trusting things -- trusting people -- had never really worked out great in the past.

So. Here's hoping Emil's way of breaking new ground with a simple, moronic trip would continue here.

Lalli tries to get any twitches under control, but the longer he holds back, the harder it is to do so, so it isn't long before he inhales, holds it, and steps closer. His arms worm themselves under the other's so he could fold himself tightly against Emil's form, all angles despite his best attempt at being ginger and just...a good fit. Being new to this outside of Tuuri's forced interactions probably didn't help. Tucking his face into Emil's shoulder, he finally exhales, hot and nervous.]

Hold me. If this is okay.

( If you gave Emil a hundred guesses as to what "weird things" Lalli wanted to do in his room, this certainly wouldn't have been one of them.

Despite Lalli's small stature, Emil suddenly feels like he's being absorbed. Even if he's boney and the width of a birch tree, he doesn't feel bad. It's not the first time he's been this close to Lalli, at all, but it's the first time Lalli's ever done this to him. It's also...really intimate, which is actually really nice.

While his mind is racing with the sudden shock of it all, his arms just sort of stay in place for a second because...oh. That really just happened. It takes him about 10 seconds before he finally complies. It's not meant to be a malicious hesitation, but he needs time to wrap his read around the request. Emil places his arms around Lalli securely, not squeezing but instead holds him comfortably. )

Is this -- is this that weird thing you wanted to do? ( He asks this stupidly while trying to figure out where to put his hands and his head; oh god hugs were so much easier before this moment, why is he suddenly an idiot. ) It's okay...I mean, if it is that weird thing after all!

[The hesitation is killing him. He's about to pull away when he finally feels the relief of a ring of pressure curling around him, as...odd as that is to say. And feel. The thought of You hate this, you should punch him. circles around his head a few times before realizing it's going to be ignored and settling into an anxious buzz.

Instead of a proper reply, he can only manage a hum and tiny nod. Yes... This is his shameful weird activity. Stop shaming him.

...Also he's kind of. Not letting go? Or loosening up? secretly death hug at least his arms are weak baby branches]

( Okay, well at least he's got confirmation. The fear that maybe Lalli was giving him an apology hug before dissecting a lizard in front of him vanishes...this isn't some animal ear world, he's got a ways to go in this regard still.

Lalli never lets up which means he feels like he should probably stay the same way. At least he figured out where to put his awkward appendages, so he's stuck standing and feeling Lalli's breathing patterns in his shoulder. Something about it feels sort of familial, which may be why he rubs Lalli's back slowly with one hand.

Emil has the thought that Lalli has been more forthcoming with his feelings lately, but maybe trying to say something about needing someone to give him physical reassurance was hard? If he needs a hug after all that's happened, her certainly won't say no.

He pulls his head back a little just so he's not muffled or unheard. ) This...isn't weird. At least not to me. ( He's gotten hugs when he was down thousands of times...and the idea of this being weird pheromones is further from his mind than Lalli somehow being handsy. )

[It isn't weird.]

It...isn't?

[It certainly feels bizarre. It had always been so unwelcome to him, like there was some kind of reaction between his skin and others that sent his entire body into fight or flight. Of course he'd known that reaction wasn't normal -- he saw people hug, kiss, tackle each other... Everything the rest of the crew had done since they met was evidence that it was a worldwide phenomenon, not just limited to his fellow Finns, (which would have been wishful thinking on his part if he'd even thought to consider it.)

He'd never thought he'd be...one of the normal ones like this. But as he feels the heat and softness of another human -- a human he trusts and who trusts him in kind -- he starts to wonder if this was why they did it, too. It was...nice. It was really nice.

Lalli looks up with uncertainty still in his eyes, but there isn't the restraint he'd tried so hard to keep in place until now. It's scary, sure, but...safe. Emil said this was all okay.]

I don't...understand what's happening to me.

( In Emil's case, it's definitely not that deep. He lives in that blissful ignorance of normalcy where hitting people on the back or hugging them before they leave the house is almost expected from you. He gets Lalli is apparently...sort of not from that kind of place, even if the depths of this knowledge are shallow.

It's definitely a little weird to have to explain stuff like this to anyone when 99.9% of everyone else just happens to get it, but he never said he liked Lalli for being one in the same. )

People do this all the time, especially when they're upset. We've had to do a lot lately...and then you know. Everything else. ( His voice starts off airy and slips into a softer, lower whisper by the end. Emil's not sure how to bring up Tuuri without bringing about upset, and he's not so insensitive and foot-in-mouth as to point out that elephant in the room every time they talk. )

I don't really know how to explain why it feels good, but it just does. Safe, you know? Like everything isn't as big a deal as you think it is.

[He listens patiently, eyes closing as he goes back to resting his temple on Emil's shoulder so he can both hear and feel the words being spoken to him. Kind of like telepathy... This part of proximity -- the hum of another making volume unnecessary -- wasn't bad at all. Even with how heavy the burden carried over through it was.]

Mmn.

[Everything that had happened and was happening now is a big deal... It really is, but Emil was right about it feeling safe, at least, like Lalli finally had a net to catch him the moment the earth started to crumble beneath his feet.]

...Does it always have to be standing?

[just wondering]

( Let Professor Västerström explain everything. He's the hug expert here -- although once you go past a minute, it's hard to tell if it's just a hug anymore. He certainly has never hugged someone for this long -- sat in the crook of the arm of a parent, maybe. Not a hug like this. )

No. Most of the time, but not always. ( Does he have to explain all the possible positions to him...that could take a while. One person laying down while the other is sitting, like tucking someone in. Sideways hugs, there's even a sort of carrying hug. No one has the time for this. ) ...Have you really never done this before?

( Or like...seen somebody??? How hug ignorant can one man be...he's growing concerned; he had to have parents at one point in time. How does someone not know about hugs so completely? )

Edited 2017-09-02 04:11 (UTC)

[A mix a embarrassed and exasperated, he huffs and finally draws back a little. Let him live...]

It isn't --

[Ehhn... Well... Lalli shakes his head, moving his hold to Emil's arms to he can drag him back over to the bed and sit him down. Might as well let his legs relax while he's feeding his heart's sudden need.]

It's not that. I mean, I'm not stupid. [He did...ask the question, though... Just ignore it.] You know how Tuuri -- was. She'd hold me when she knew I didn't like it. Of course I've done this... [But...] But not like this. Where I really, really wanted to. I don't think. Maybe when I was really little and I don't really remember. I just...

[melts against him, this is nice..........]

( It's easy to let himself be moved to the bed, somewhat relieved that he doesn't have to stand there anymore. Emil adjusts himself accordingly since, despite Lalli's desire to sit and his letting up a little more, it's clear he doesn't want to let go.

Lalli's explanation makes a little more sense, despite...that bizarre question. He does know how Tuuri was -- well, he knows a little. Actually, he doesn't know that much about Lalli's family, or life for that matter. Now just doesn't seem like the time to inquire.

Still, it makes him feel bad for his friend. He obviously doesn't see the whole picture, but what he does see he doesn't like. Emil gives him a squeeze, just like others had given him time and time again. If he'd been held when he didn't want to and can't remember the last time he'd really wanted to be, it's easy to indulge him when he does truly want it. Especially when it's still hard to imagine the weight of the cousin he lost that he has to carry around now.

It's also easy to admit that it's nice. Military training makes you more adjusted to being away from your family for extended periods of time, and of course he's thought about how nice it would be to be back home rather than in Danish hell or a space island or lizard land...but Emil didn't realize how much he missed the physical memory of closeness with someone that wasn't bumping into them or being forced next to one another.

That's why he keeps the pressure of the squeeze. Suddenly it's as reassuring as he told Lalli it was supposed to be. )

[If he could sleep, he thinks now would be a time he'd fall into it without meaning to. It really was like some void he didn't know existed was suddenly being filled, but even if it was all happened very quickly, it wasn't...a rushing waterfall. Just exactly right.]

I don't know what I would do if I was alone here. Without you.

[Its a dull mumble, a tone that suggests he either doesn't realize he said it or doesn't think anything of saying it. Maybe both. His mind is exceptionally calmer now that they're doing this hug business.]

Even when I don't like you, I do.

( Way to ruin the mood. Even when I don't like you, I do. ...Rude. Still, it sort of loses any venom when it's sandwiched between things that are so validating. Despite the fact that Emil has always known in his heart that they were friends, it never fails to boost his mood when it's confirmed.

He's always been that way with positive reinforcement; some things never change.

Emil breaks the embrace and grabs Lalli's shoulders, making sure he can look at him. ) I'm glad that if I have to be here, I'm here with you.

( Emil would very likely get by somewhat normally without Lalli around -- that's just the reality of their adjustments. It may be selfish to admit, but of course he'd rather be here with Lalli if he had to pick anyone. It's also a relief -- sometimes he drives himself a little crazy thinking about what is going on back home, and wondering about Lalli too would make things more worrisome. There are things you can do about being separated by countries, but being universes away doesn't have an easy workaround. )

[Let him be honest with his feelings here... And really, coming from Lalli, that's sweet. Emil drove him crazy most of the time, but it was never quite the same as when Tuuri -- who he was born already loving and needing to protect -- and Reynir -- who begged for protection with every little fuck up he made, if not out loud -- had got on his nerves. He was special. As much as he'd told himself that he hated Emil's face, even that...wasn't so bad. No, it was nice, if he's letting himself be honest. And why shouldn't he, when he's just thinking these things and getting to look at this person he trusts from the safety of his arms?

...Um. Hmn. Even through the haze of happy feelings, he can feel some part of him starting to panic. He doesn't want to pull away completely, but...maybe a small change would get everything back under control. Lalli looks down, flush a little more prominent now than it had been as he takes one of Emil's hands in his own and traces along the lines going through it.]

What if we still couldn't talk? Your Finnish is...bad. Really bad. Wouldn't you want someone else?

( Emil let's Lalli do whatever he wants, observing his sudden fascination with his hand with interested eyes. )

No...? I didn't think my Finnish was that bad; I practiced pretty often. ( Sometimes it was difficult to get Tuuri to completely comply with strengthening his vocabulary, but when she did he tried his best to remember the words. After he forgot them that one time, it made sense to try a little harder.

The problem was just knowing words and not knowing the rhythm and comprehension of the language. ) We became friends when we didn't have any words in common anyway, so why would that matter?

[It was pretty bad, but he'll keep that one to himself for now.]

...It's hard for me. Not understanding.

[He hadn't let himself realize how much until after that dream, but... Yeah. Getting along was easier, but it hurt. Hell, he'd shouted at them for help when he'd realized what Tuuri had done, and he'd only been met with blank stares. How would they have accomplished things here? Really accomplished them?]

Think about...this. If you couldn't tell me what was okay. And I couldn't do this... [He presses his cheek into Emil's palm, eyes closing as a content sigh leaves him involuntarily.] If I couldn't tell you why I was scared of being your friend. I...really like that I get to hear what you say to me, now. If I couldn't, I don't know if I would even try to listen.

( Maybe it's because, for all intents and purposes, Emil is an idiot. But the first time he feels any truly strange hitch in his emotions is when Lalli puts his head into his hand. Not that he hasn't done that before -- he's familiar with how Lalli's face feels, certainly. Suddenly feeling the hot skin -- they may need to reconsider Lalli having a fever, he's also a little more red than usual -- and the severe crease of his cheekbone makes him pause.

After a second, he remembers to exhale and pays attention to what Lalli's saying again. )

I'm not saying I'd want to go back to the way it was... I'm just saying it wouldn't change anything. ( Lalli is preaching to the choir; of course he would want to be able to understand each other, and going back to what used to be would be...hard. ) It's not something that has to stay that way, after all.

( It wasn't like he was learning Finnish words strictly related to the job. )

[Yeah, "smile" was definitely not job-related...and with the advantage of his hand being where it is, Emil can tell that "smile" is likely what Lalli is doing, even though his head is lowered a little.]

...I like hearing you say things like that. Makes it all sound like it makes sense.

[Because they apparently don't? Not to him, anyway, or in the world he lives. Being friends with Emil was already kind of like being whisked off to some other reality, in a dopey kind of way. Ha.]

It's weird to me that you like me enough for that, [Lalli would instinctually request Onni or Tuuri, he's pretty sure, if the question was posed to him, not that Emil was far down on the list. Well, now. Maybe when they first arrived, he'd have even picked Reynir over him just to save himself the fear. Anyway, not the current topic,] but...it's good, too.

( If anyone could benefit from a harsh, multi-universe reality check, it'd be Reynir. Emil feels Lalli's face move in his hand, which feels really weird btw, but knowing he's smiling is beyond him.

Regardless, if he had magic that meant part of his spirit fucked off for a while and he slept for a week, this would probably look something like the dream he would have before he woke up. Lalli being so...soft is so unusual, even if he's been more open lately.

Emil definitely likes being told that he's right and sensical, which makes him laugh softly though happily. It's short-lived as he looks at his friend, instinctively moving Lalli's hair with his fingers. )

...Why do you think it's so weird that I'm friends with you? ( There's a special emphasis on those words and their order. For as weird as he finds Lalli at times, he's still puzzled routinely that Lalli doesn't seem to understand why he cares for him so much. )

[He glances up through his lashes before moving to watch Emil fully, and his smile slips away in the process. The touch is a comfort, but it's not like that and the hormones are taking him completely out of himself. He has to think...]

...No one is? I don't like people. They don't like me. [It's simple enough that he doesn't have to risk letting down his walls more, right? Emil should get it.] And we're different. You're Swedish and I'm a mage. Your people think we're...gross, crazy people living in trees. I don't know. And that's just one difference.

[A small one, for them.]

( That blunt statement said so matter-of-factly hits Emil in the face like his own open hand. It's just that he's not wrong -- Emil remembers the first time he met Lalli and how he was dubious of his abilities and disgusted by his lack of self-image. Of course Emil doesn't feel like that now, but he suddenly feels stupid for never considering these past actions and feelings. He still doesn't understand the full intricacies and abilities of Lalli's magic. )

I didn't mean to feel that way about you ever! ( Despite the remarks being general, he knows they apply directly to him. His intent was never malicious, but it feels wrong to sit on knowing he should feel sorry without saying something. ) I'm sorry...you're not gross or crazy.

( There's some bigger discussion here about liking one person in spite of their culture vs. accepting a culture as a whole, but baby steps. He's Growing. )

[scale hands...he sure is growing]

No. I'm not. [Good that they agree! Lalli sighs and turns his face again to hum against Emil's palm while he thinks. It makes him muffled when he speaks.] I'm used to that, though. Not...what this is between us. You're so...good.

[His sunshine boy...!]

( Being so complimented and indulged is starting to move out of the territory of ego-stroking and into the realm of embarrassed shyness. Emil didn't even know he had that limit, but it seems to exist. It may just be because the vibration of Lalli's mouth against his hand tickles, making his breath stick in his throat again. )

I'm glad you think I'm...good? ( Not that he understands the complete definition of what he means, but it can't be a bad thing. Good isn't bad, Emil paid attention in tutoring at least that much. ) You're good too.

( Parroting the compliment partly because he doesn't disagree (even if he's still unsure) and because he suddenly can't figure out how word good yeah. )

I think you might have a fever after all, your face is starting to get warm. ( It's been rising in temperature for a while, but he truly understands how much once it's taken over the temperature of his own hand. )

Hn...

[Not like Emil. Lalli was certainly good at things -- lots of thing. He was a fantastic scout with a better record than most, and he was a powerful mage even without practice. But that believe had made him wicked in ways he couldn't see until everything was in pieces at his feet and he was starting to come apart, too.

But Emil... For some reason, even as he grew, he never changed. He stayed vibrant through the darkness. A light able to lead Lalli back.]

Mmn?

[He sighs a little to be dragged out of his thoughts again to this subject, but another part of him is thrilled to have Emil paying attention, still. Being concerned over him. Lalli wonders if when he's better, he'll smile for him like that. A happy thought... It sustains Lalli and gets him to let himself let go of the other's hand.]

Then... I guess it -- would be better to stay...somewhere.

[COUGH]

( His hand retains the warmth of his feverish friend even though he lets go. At first he's not sure if those weird mouth sounds that he could feel with his hand were actually a response or just noises.

Well, he's got an answer, Emil supposes. )

Probably -- do you want to stay here tonight? It would be better than wandering around outside in the elements.

( Lalli essentially spent the night the other day -- can you call it spending the night if one person is a magical insomniac? -- and that was all good. Emil understands that he can't sleep, but he feels like it'd be much better if he at least had a home base of sorts. Why Lalli hasn't established some consistent camp somewhere is beyond him. )

[He's nodding before it even occurs to him that he should. Of course he wants to spend the night???? Stupid.]

Can I stay even when I'm not sick anymore?

[This fever makes him so bold...! Thanks, fever. He definitely won't regret this later and want to run off the side of the world -- wait, what if this one is round like Earth... fuck]

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laying it on real thick because fuck it

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