spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

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[If he could sleep, he thinks now would be a time he'd fall into it without meaning to. It really was like some void he didn't know existed was suddenly being filled, but even if it was all happened very quickly, it wasn't...a rushing waterfall. Just exactly right.]

I don't know what I would do if I was alone here. Without you.

[Its a dull mumble, a tone that suggests he either doesn't realize he said it or doesn't think anything of saying it. Maybe both. His mind is exceptionally calmer now that they're doing this hug business.]

Even when I don't like you, I do.

( Way to ruin the mood. Even when I don't like you, I do. ...Rude. Still, it sort of loses any venom when it's sandwiched between things that are so validating. Despite the fact that Emil has always known in his heart that they were friends, it never fails to boost his mood when it's confirmed.

He's always been that way with positive reinforcement; some things never change.

Emil breaks the embrace and grabs Lalli's shoulders, making sure he can look at him. ) I'm glad that if I have to be here, I'm here with you.

( Emil would very likely get by somewhat normally without Lalli around -- that's just the reality of their adjustments. It may be selfish to admit, but of course he'd rather be here with Lalli if he had to pick anyone. It's also a relief -- sometimes he drives himself a little crazy thinking about what is going on back home, and wondering about Lalli too would make things more worrisome. There are things you can do about being separated by countries, but being universes away doesn't have an easy workaround. )

[Let him be honest with his feelings here... And really, coming from Lalli, that's sweet. Emil drove him crazy most of the time, but it was never quite the same as when Tuuri -- who he was born already loving and needing to protect -- and Reynir -- who begged for protection with every little fuck up he made, if not out loud -- had got on his nerves. He was special. As much as he'd told himself that he hated Emil's face, even that...wasn't so bad. No, it was nice, if he's letting himself be honest. And why shouldn't he, when he's just thinking these things and getting to look at this person he trusts from the safety of his arms?

...Um. Hmn. Even through the haze of happy feelings, he can feel some part of him starting to panic. He doesn't want to pull away completely, but...maybe a small change would get everything back under control. Lalli looks down, flush a little more prominent now than it had been as he takes one of Emil's hands in his own and traces along the lines going through it.]

What if we still couldn't talk? Your Finnish is...bad. Really bad. Wouldn't you want someone else?

( Emil let's Lalli do whatever he wants, observing his sudden fascination with his hand with interested eyes. )

No...? I didn't think my Finnish was that bad; I practiced pretty often. ( Sometimes it was difficult to get Tuuri to completely comply with strengthening his vocabulary, but when she did he tried his best to remember the words. After he forgot them that one time, it made sense to try a little harder.

The problem was just knowing words and not knowing the rhythm and comprehension of the language. ) We became friends when we didn't have any words in common anyway, so why would that matter?

[It was pretty bad, but he'll keep that one to himself for now.]

...It's hard for me. Not understanding.

[He hadn't let himself realize how much until after that dream, but... Yeah. Getting along was easier, but it hurt. Hell, he'd shouted at them for help when he'd realized what Tuuri had done, and he'd only been met with blank stares. How would they have accomplished things here? Really accomplished them?]

Think about...this. If you couldn't tell me what was okay. And I couldn't do this... [He presses his cheek into Emil's palm, eyes closing as a content sigh leaves him involuntarily.] If I couldn't tell you why I was scared of being your friend. I...really like that I get to hear what you say to me, now. If I couldn't, I don't know if I would even try to listen.

( Maybe it's because, for all intents and purposes, Emil is an idiot. But the first time he feels any truly strange hitch in his emotions is when Lalli puts his head into his hand. Not that he hasn't done that before -- he's familiar with how Lalli's face feels, certainly. Suddenly feeling the hot skin -- they may need to reconsider Lalli having a fever, he's also a little more red than usual -- and the severe crease of his cheekbone makes him pause.

After a second, he remembers to exhale and pays attention to what Lalli's saying again. )

I'm not saying I'd want to go back to the way it was... I'm just saying it wouldn't change anything. ( Lalli is preaching to the choir; of course he would want to be able to understand each other, and going back to what used to be would be...hard. ) It's not something that has to stay that way, after all.

( It wasn't like he was learning Finnish words strictly related to the job. )

[Yeah, "smile" was definitely not job-related...and with the advantage of his hand being where it is, Emil can tell that "smile" is likely what Lalli is doing, even though his head is lowered a little.]

...I like hearing you say things like that. Makes it all sound like it makes sense.

[Because they apparently don't? Not to him, anyway, or in the world he lives. Being friends with Emil was already kind of like being whisked off to some other reality, in a dopey kind of way. Ha.]

It's weird to me that you like me enough for that, [Lalli would instinctually request Onni or Tuuri, he's pretty sure, if the question was posed to him, not that Emil was far down on the list. Well, now. Maybe when they first arrived, he'd have even picked Reynir over him just to save himself the fear. Anyway, not the current topic,] but...it's good, too.

( If anyone could benefit from a harsh, multi-universe reality check, it'd be Reynir. Emil feels Lalli's face move in his hand, which feels really weird btw, but knowing he's smiling is beyond him.

Regardless, if he had magic that meant part of his spirit fucked off for a while and he slept for a week, this would probably look something like the dream he would have before he woke up. Lalli being so...soft is so unusual, even if he's been more open lately.

Emil definitely likes being told that he's right and sensical, which makes him laugh softly though happily. It's short-lived as he looks at his friend, instinctively moving Lalli's hair with his fingers. )

...Why do you think it's so weird that I'm friends with you? ( There's a special emphasis on those words and their order. For as weird as he finds Lalli at times, he's still puzzled routinely that Lalli doesn't seem to understand why he cares for him so much. )

[He glances up through his lashes before moving to watch Emil fully, and his smile slips away in the process. The touch is a comfort, but it's not like that and the hormones are taking him completely out of himself. He has to think...]

...No one is? I don't like people. They don't like me. [It's simple enough that he doesn't have to risk letting down his walls more, right? Emil should get it.] And we're different. You're Swedish and I'm a mage. Your people think we're...gross, crazy people living in trees. I don't know. And that's just one difference.

[A small one, for them.]

( That blunt statement said so matter-of-factly hits Emil in the face like his own open hand. It's just that he's not wrong -- Emil remembers the first time he met Lalli and how he was dubious of his abilities and disgusted by his lack of self-image. Of course Emil doesn't feel like that now, but he suddenly feels stupid for never considering these past actions and feelings. He still doesn't understand the full intricacies and abilities of Lalli's magic. )

I didn't mean to feel that way about you ever! ( Despite the remarks being general, he knows they apply directly to him. His intent was never malicious, but it feels wrong to sit on knowing he should feel sorry without saying something. ) I'm sorry...you're not gross or crazy.

( There's some bigger discussion here about liking one person in spite of their culture vs. accepting a culture as a whole, but baby steps. He's Growing. )

[scale hands...he sure is growing]

No. I'm not. [Good that they agree! Lalli sighs and turns his face again to hum against Emil's palm while he thinks. It makes him muffled when he speaks.] I'm used to that, though. Not...what this is between us. You're so...good.

[His sunshine boy...!]

( Being so complimented and indulged is starting to move out of the territory of ego-stroking and into the realm of embarrassed shyness. Emil didn't even know he had that limit, but it seems to exist. It may just be because the vibration of Lalli's mouth against his hand tickles, making his breath stick in his throat again. )

I'm glad you think I'm...good? ( Not that he understands the complete definition of what he means, but it can't be a bad thing. Good isn't bad, Emil paid attention in tutoring at least that much. ) You're good too.

( Parroting the compliment partly because he doesn't disagree (even if he's still unsure) and because he suddenly can't figure out how word good yeah. )

I think you might have a fever after all, your face is starting to get warm. ( It's been rising in temperature for a while, but he truly understands how much once it's taken over the temperature of his own hand. )

Hn...

[Not like Emil. Lalli was certainly good at things -- lots of thing. He was a fantastic scout with a better record than most, and he was a powerful mage even without practice. But that believe had made him wicked in ways he couldn't see until everything was in pieces at his feet and he was starting to come apart, too.

But Emil... For some reason, even as he grew, he never changed. He stayed vibrant through the darkness. A light able to lead Lalli back.]

Mmn?

[He sighs a little to be dragged out of his thoughts again to this subject, but another part of him is thrilled to have Emil paying attention, still. Being concerned over him. Lalli wonders if when he's better, he'll smile for him like that. A happy thought... It sustains Lalli and gets him to let himself let go of the other's hand.]

Then... I guess it -- would be better to stay...somewhere.

[COUGH]

( His hand retains the warmth of his feverish friend even though he lets go. At first he's not sure if those weird mouth sounds that he could feel with his hand were actually a response or just noises.

Well, he's got an answer, Emil supposes. )

Probably -- do you want to stay here tonight? It would be better than wandering around outside in the elements.

( Lalli essentially spent the night the other day -- can you call it spending the night if one person is a magical insomniac? -- and that was all good. Emil understands that he can't sleep, but he feels like it'd be much better if he at least had a home base of sorts. Why Lalli hasn't established some consistent camp somewhere is beyond him. )

[He's nodding before it even occurs to him that he should. Of course he wants to spend the night???? Stupid.]

Can I stay even when I'm not sick anymore?

[This fever makes him so bold...! Thanks, fever. He definitely won't regret this later and want to run off the side of the world -- wait, what if this one is round like Earth... fuck]

( As stated previously, Emil is an idiot and Lalli is being weird. This isn't a good combination if you want immediate comprehension. )

Of course. I was just thinking about how you should find a real place to stay. ( Rooming with Lalli is nbd; they shared a small living space with a hoard of other people for weeks and weeks, this is an upgrade if ever there was one. ) There's enough room for you on the floor, and you can keep your things in the corner.

( Emil gestures to the designated spot in the room with his things. It's a very humble abode, but Lalli can share if it he wants. )

[the corner.......... Like, I wish I could say he feels insulted by that, but that's more than he's been offered in a while. Any space he had the past few years, he had to make known was his. Not that it was a lot -- he's small, after all.]

It's just a bag. I don't have a lot of stuff.

[Still, he's curious, and the tip of his head speaks to that.]

I "should"? Why?

( Look, he's offering what he has to offer...pick a place to put your shit Lalli, he won't complain!! Maybe. )

Because it's better to have a place to stay! Like...if it rains, or if you need a place to put your things. It's better to have a place to come home to, right? Even if it isn't actually home.

( There's just something comforting to him about having your own space...it's also pretty practical, which is a toss up when it comes to Emil, so be proud. )

[I mean... It's hard to find fault with that argument. It is...indeed better to have shelter. Still, a place to "come home" to...

Whatever. It doesn't really matter, since they're in agreement about him staying. Lalli flops forward with an exhale and gets himself nice and settled against Emil.]

Okay. That sounds good.

( Uh. Well, that's great and all but he may have just wandered into an alternate dimension...maybe Emil is the one who was poisoned somehow. )

Aren't you going to sleep on the floor...? ( If you aren't a floor gremlin then he doesn't know who you are anymore. )

Puh. I'm not going to "sleep" at all.

[DID YOU FORGET HOW NICE FOR YOU]

M'just... [vague hand motion] ...Still feeling weird. Is this too much now?

[Has the weirdness actually kicked in to the point of making his actions messed up...]

You know what I mean. ( He's not going to completely overturn his normalized vocabulary for you in a couple of months. ) It's not too much, it's just not what you usually want, I guess.

( The next awkward dilemma is looking from the floor and back to Lalli...if he gets the bed, does that mean Emil gets the floor in this alternate timeline?? Hold on a minute, he has to figure out if he really has to sleep on the rock-hard floor and that dump of a rug OR if Lalli would be okay with him staying in the bed because both of these things are very peculiar scenarios. )

I should go down there...? ( It's posed like a question because.....?? Help him? )

[but why not, doesn't Lalli deserve the hardship of overturning vocabulary, isn't he good enough for that??

And yes, he knows it isn't what he usually wants, that was the whole...point. That's why he's sick. And that's why he props himself on his elbow and reaches out to catch Emil's arm.]

No. I want you to stay with me.

[If that's okay...]

Um... Maybe... [fuck, this is embarrassing, and this time his blush is partly frustration because what the actual fuck] Can you pet my forehead?

[IS THERE A GOOD WAY TO ASK THAT, PLEASE ADVISE]

Just for a little bit. While we lay together.

( no there isn't, what kind of kinky shit lalli )

Uhm... ( Emil doesn't really know what to do except hesitate because this is really uncharted territory as far as Lalli is concerned. Is this how he acts when he's sick? Like a totally different person? Well, of course there's some Lalli injected in there, but he's just so different. ) Yeah, okay.

( It's certainly not that he's unwilling to do it but Lalli isn't the only embarrassed one here. It's really hard to say no to Lalli when he's reciprocating friendship so blatantly, but this sailed past levels of reciprocity about two requests ago. It would be hard for Emil to actually explain how he feels in any succinct, logical way -- especially when Lalli says lay together and some of his nerve endings feel like they're being forcibly halted.

It doesn't stop him from stiffly laying there for a second before shifting onto his side to look towards Lalli. Oh right, forehead petting -- cautiously, Emil brings his free hand to shakily touch his friend's forehead. He doesn't exactly have a lot of bangs to muse, but he carefully slides his fingers underneath them as he moves across to feel the whole of Lalli's warm forehead. )

Like this...? ( If he misheard Lalli and somehow got "pet my forehead" out of...idk, "get my boar's head," that'd make things three times as awkward. )

[It's his secret anxiety comfort kink he never really had the guts or impulse to test out and will be mortified enough to backflip out a window for tomorrow, don't kinkshame him...

The way he closes his eyes and his face loses some of that tightness that came from always being alert should be answer enough, but just in case, Lalli mumbles a quick affirmative. Gods, this is...so much. Were it not for the constant little things to actively take down his anxiety, he might have broken down from how overwhelming it was to have affection freely shown back and forth like this. He's certainly going to feel overstimulated after the hormones wear off, even with all the time that will have passed.

But still, as much as he was drowning in these feelings now, it didn't make it so he wasn't starved for it. There's been too many years of pushing anything like this away.]

Sorry. [He's still mumbling, and even quieter now that they're so...intimate. Undeniably so.] I don't know why I...need? This. It's stupid.

[He can feel you shakin', bruh.]

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laying it on real thick because fuck it

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