spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( Uh. Well, that's great and all but he may have just wandered into an alternate dimension...maybe Emil is the one who was poisoned somehow. )

Aren't you going to sleep on the floor...? ( If you aren't a floor gremlin then he doesn't know who you are anymore. )

Puh. I'm not going to "sleep" at all.

[DID YOU FORGET HOW NICE FOR YOU]

M'just... [vague hand motion] ...Still feeling weird. Is this too much now?

[Has the weirdness actually kicked in to the point of making his actions messed up...]

You know what I mean. ( He's not going to completely overturn his normalized vocabulary for you in a couple of months. ) It's not too much, it's just not what you usually want, I guess.

( The next awkward dilemma is looking from the floor and back to Lalli...if he gets the bed, does that mean Emil gets the floor in this alternate timeline?? Hold on a minute, he has to figure out if he really has to sleep on the rock-hard floor and that dump of a rug OR if Lalli would be okay with him staying in the bed because both of these things are very peculiar scenarios. )

I should go down there...? ( It's posed like a question because.....?? Help him? )

[but why not, doesn't Lalli deserve the hardship of overturning vocabulary, isn't he good enough for that??

And yes, he knows it isn't what he usually wants, that was the whole...point. That's why he's sick. And that's why he props himself on his elbow and reaches out to catch Emil's arm.]

No. I want you to stay with me.

[If that's okay...]

Um... Maybe... [fuck, this is embarrassing, and this time his blush is partly frustration because what the actual fuck] Can you pet my forehead?

[IS THERE A GOOD WAY TO ASK THAT, PLEASE ADVISE]

Just for a little bit. While we lay together.

( no there isn't, what kind of kinky shit lalli )

Uhm... ( Emil doesn't really know what to do except hesitate because this is really uncharted territory as far as Lalli is concerned. Is this how he acts when he's sick? Like a totally different person? Well, of course there's some Lalli injected in there, but he's just so different. ) Yeah, okay.

( It's certainly not that he's unwilling to do it but Lalli isn't the only embarrassed one here. It's really hard to say no to Lalli when he's reciprocating friendship so blatantly, but this sailed past levels of reciprocity about two requests ago. It would be hard for Emil to actually explain how he feels in any succinct, logical way -- especially when Lalli says lay together and some of his nerve endings feel like they're being forcibly halted.

It doesn't stop him from stiffly laying there for a second before shifting onto his side to look towards Lalli. Oh right, forehead petting -- cautiously, Emil brings his free hand to shakily touch his friend's forehead. He doesn't exactly have a lot of bangs to muse, but he carefully slides his fingers underneath them as he moves across to feel the whole of Lalli's warm forehead. )

Like this...? ( If he misheard Lalli and somehow got "pet my forehead" out of...idk, "get my boar's head," that'd make things three times as awkward. )

[It's his secret anxiety comfort kink he never really had the guts or impulse to test out and will be mortified enough to backflip out a window for tomorrow, don't kinkshame him...

The way he closes his eyes and his face loses some of that tightness that came from always being alert should be answer enough, but just in case, Lalli mumbles a quick affirmative. Gods, this is...so much. Were it not for the constant little things to actively take down his anxiety, he might have broken down from how overwhelming it was to have affection freely shown back and forth like this. He's certainly going to feel overstimulated after the hormones wear off, even with all the time that will have passed.

But still, as much as he was drowning in these feelings now, it didn't make it so he wasn't starved for it. There's been too many years of pushing anything like this away.]

Sorry. [He's still mumbling, and even quieter now that they're so...intimate. Undeniably so.] I don't know why I...need? This. It's stupid.

[He can feel you shakin', bruh.]

( It gets a little physically easier as he does it over and over again, shifting a little to be more comfortable. This was a lot easier when he was sitting down and Lalli was laying there. It was also easier because for other reasons -- which is actually sort of interesting to Emil and makes him think more than usual.

It was easy to give Lalli a lot of skinship before, but now it feels increasingly difficult. The casual aspect of it was an obvious difference -- there are actually a lot of differences here as compared to how things used to be. Still, isn't something supposed to get easier the more you do it?

Emil trails off and makes a noncommittal noise at Lalli's apology before it takes him a second to acknowledge that's not enough. ) Don't apologize. People are supposed to take care of you when you're sick. ( Maybe that's not The Military Way, but nothing made him feel better when he was feeling ill or feverish than being doted on. Emil doesn't care about what Lalli wants when it comes to fulfilling his requests -- of course that's because he's being so complacent and not being his usual stubborn, rude self. He's also not that sick; this beats cleaning up vomit any day.

The forehead-stroking begins to give him a twinge in his wrist with the awkward angle, so Emil shifts his hand to stroking Lalli's hair instead. Oh well, if Lalli complains -- it's more comfortable for him and it's also nice to feel the texture of the hair between his fingers. His mind flashes back to a parent gently rubbing petting his hair and how consoling that was, even if he wasn't actually upset. This feels more natural, more connecting. )

No. It's different...

[He doesn't know how, but it feels different, anyway... Of course, to him the idea of someone taking care of you when you're sick is different, too. But that was just foreign to him, not a desire he's acting on for mysterious vulnerability reasons. Even under the influence, he finds it hard to shrug this off as just a him being sick thing or a for real friendship thing. Not that he can articulate it even at his best...

The change does make him frown and give a soft grumble, but he settles right away again. It might now be the highly specific nice thing that felt surprisingly good, but it was still a nice thing that felt good. If it's what Emil wants, too, then that's...better? something something kinkpusher gremlin blah blah]

( This idiot would be totally lost if Lalli actually had something wrong with him (see: sleeping coma). If only all illnesses could be cured with hand-holding and hair-stroking. Actually, it's probably not in his best interest to do these things, and if Lalli did have a fever he's definitely in the danger zone but c'est la vie.

He sighs, finding a comfortable and slow rhythm; Emil feels lulled by the position and also tired from the recent events and turmoil. ) Everything is really different.

( That's all he can really offer because...it's as succinct as possible and also as much as he can explain it himself. Recently so much has happened, and it all seems to be one thing, right after another. At least back in Denmark there would be lulls and boring days of monotony, but nothing like that seems to exist in lizard land -- but it's also fair to say one of the bigger events did happen back during the mission, so maybe he's just stuck surrounded by sudden catastrophe either way.

Those are just events, though, not the emotional complexity surrounding those events. Emil's emotional maturity and handling capacity is under-developed, to say the least. Semi-personal loss, being ripped from home, sudden attacks and truly high stress...then there's whatever strange feelings that are coming from Lalli's own issues and how he has to interact with those feelings, but also Lalli on an individual level.

It's confusing. It's tiring. He's tired, but also not unhappy right now, which is what his simple mind focuses on. Why worry about bad things when you could focus on nice things? And being close to Lalli is nice. )

[Aha. That goes a lot deeper than just their immediate situation, so he lazily opens one eye to watch Emil while he thinks. While they both think, it seems like...

So. Even the idiot sunshine boy got like this, huh? It should be upsetting to see his light in the darkness so dim, but Lalli almost feels...relieved. That's kind of fucked up, when he thinks about it, but it's another piece of evidence to say that he wasn't alone. That maybe...it really could work out with him.

Friendship, of course. Yeah.

He lifts a hand to brush back Emil's hair in return, gently trailing his fingers along his cheek before continuing. He looked like he needed this, too.]

Sleep. I'll try not to wake you up when I get off.

[oocly makes cringey face because I'm trash theres nothing wrong with that statement...]

( don't speak to me ever again

His awareness resurfaces when Lalli touches his own hair, then grazes his face. He's a touchy person, maybe more specifically he's touchy with those he feels an attachment to, but oh, he does enjoy it when someone else initiates it. Touching is about sending, receiving, sharing familiar warmth -- he's done so much sending, it's nice to get something back.

Lalli'd touched him previously in the evening, obviously, but this feels so real somehow. What does that mean, "real?" It's just what his mind conjures up. If he dared to think or somehow half-know that this is an alternate Lalli, enamored with the idea of touch for the sake of touch...that would sting if true. That would be infuriating, somehow. It would mean that this nice reality actually is conjured up, no ability to be replicated. )

Are you sure? You're sick. ( The protest is very thinly veiled; Emil can barely form words enough to express himself all of a sudden. These feelings are nicer than what was running through him earlier, but experiencing so many emotions has taken its toll on him. )

[The smile is barely there, but maybe with how close they are physically and emotionally right now, it doesn't matter as much as it might have. He's amused by the weak argument even if he doesn't understand what the point of it is supposed to be, but more than that, he wants to be that same gentle force of reassurance that Emil had been for him too many times already.]

Mmn. Sleep. I'll be okay, remember? You said so.

[And he's been through so much worse than some confusing feelings of really weird touch hunger.]

Yeah, I did. ( Emil does like being right after all. His smile isn't his patented sunshine boy gleam, but it is soft and tired. Retracting his arm, Emil turns rests it between them. It's hard to break contact when the bed is small, so while the contact of being somewhat pressed together isn't purposeful, it's still present. ) I'll see you in the morning Lalli.

( He hasn't truly shared a bed with someone since early childhood, and Emil vaguely wonders if it will be hard to get to sleep in such cramped quarters, especially knowing Lalli will likely just lie there and stare at him for a while. Instead, the exhaustion in his body doesn't even allow him to pull up his blanket. Despite being uncovered, in his street clothes and pressed against someone, sleep is relatively easy to find. )

[Lalli eventually slides off the bed so he can stretch his legs, thankful his lithe frame makes extracting himself a quick, easy, quiet process. He still stays close, watching Emil breathe and musing about whatever he could be dreaming about when there's a change. It would be fun to nudge him awake and demand some tale, or to curl against him again and have his own series of nonsense stories, but one of those is impossible and the other would ruin the peace hanging over them.

By the time Emil wakes up on his own, Lalli is leaning on the wall close to the window so he can take in the broken city and still keep an eye on his friend. The wave he gives is minimal, and for a minute that's all the morning greeting he's going to get... but eventually Lalli takes a seat and tips his head.]

I need food before we start. Do you want to come with me...?

[Like, they could just meet up later, but... breakfast date... Also he's making no indication that he has other clothes he's going to change into or that he minds? He's a gross garbage stank boy.]

( Emil finally rouses, at first totally unfeeling about how his back is at the edge of his bed with a decent empty space next to him. Give him a second to wake up -- wow, Lalli is up early as usual.

...Okay, give him another second. There we go. He blinks at his semi-bed companion while fixing his hair, not sure if this means yesterday was some sort of fever dream or not. Speaking of fevers, Lalli's looking a lot better, so there's that.

Oh, right. Funerals, fixing things. Okay, he's up, he's up. ) Yeah, yeah, of course. Mm, give me a minute to get dressed. ( Because someone here isn't a nasty, garbage gremlin.

Changing clothes also means allowing his brain to actually jolt into functioning; most enlisted soldiers would probably be more used to early morning routine, but if he doesn't have to get up and be attentive...he's not going to, oops. Give him like five minutes to get dressed and breathe for a second, goodness.

...Okay, with the musky memories of dead Palai tossed into a pile in the corner and new street clothes adorned, Emil is indeed ready and hungry. ) Let's go; I'm sure there are still places open, even today. ( If they were open after the massacre, surely someone has at least a shrimp stick to offer them. )

[While he doesn't exactly realize what he's doing, Lalli watches Emil go about his morning routine, getting dressed... It isn't the same blank study as usual, even if his expression is still unreadable. It's a more careful type of stare, more like... Like scouting, really. He scouts out the fluid, thoughtless movements it takes to remove one set of clothes and put on another, the way muscles tense and flex underneath skin. He wonders what it feels like to touch him while his shirt his still off, and considers reaching out to find out, but then the opportunity is dashed away before he can act. Damn, and he was usually so quick.

Oh well. They had plenty of time together going forward, and they had plenty of work to do now.

He nods. Food was kind of one of the necessities of life. Maybe if they were lucky, the community would have come together to set up a sort of supply station to revitalize anyone helping out or feeling the losses particularly hard. Everyone would be able to see what they had left. What they could accomplish together.]

I hope so. I...get hungry faster than I used to. I think. Food makes staying awake not matter so much.

[Energy is good, food is good energy. Trust that when he was experimenting on how to shut off his magic, he both starved and stuffed himself.

Anyway, hold his hand while they walk!!! Only much less insistent than that because he's starting to come down.]

( Totally ignorant to previously being studied like a specimen, Emil nods. A fed Lalli was a good Lalli, and he found breaking bread with him especially comforting. Mmmm, in spite of the roller coaster of yesterday, it didn't seem like the morning would be that bad, even though he's sure that will change the further involved he gets with post-ambush activities. )

Food isn't bad a bad vice, and it's essentially free here. It may not be so easy if we go back to the space island, though.

( What with no chef lizards and those fucking crabs. As they're about to leave, Emil takes a look at his friend's offered hand and pauses for a moment, unsure of what to do -- maybe his sudden infatuation with being touchy-feely will be a permanent fixture? On one hand, he thinks as he slips his own into Lalli's palm, it would be nice. On the other, all of those strange emotions that are clawing at the bottom of his gut aren't a welcome addition to his current plate of emotional complexity.

Anyway, let's go, friend. Emil turns out to be the one leading this time, stepping out of his suite room and grateful that food isn't far away. They don't even have to walk for a minute before they hit a small restaurant with a stooled-food counter space and Palai making various foods and drinks. )

How about this place? ( A kind pseudo-boyfriend, making sure he gets equal input. ) I stop here most days, it's not bad.

Mmn...

[Mental note to start gathering food like Brie had mentioned... As long as it was easily stored without going back for a long period of time... He didn't have any idea of when they would be leaving, but it couldn't hurt to start taking that into consideration. He'd be able to freely snack as time went on, too.

He's pulled out of these thoughts easily enough by the promise of real food, to say nothing of the voice giving these promises. But that would definitely be another plus. It's his best friend's lovely voice saying lovely things!!! Very good.]

Oh. Okay.

[It's...a little odd to hear that.]

I didn't think about...what you had been doing before. Weird.

( Emil takes that as an okay, so he breaks their hand-holding to sit on one of the stools -- God bless the short-friendly, lizard world of Aimintas and how it appeals to his own tiny-ness. The Palai working take some time out of their busy schedule to bring over some food, in between very obvious stares and hidden mumbles. Calm down, thirst creatures.

He certainly has mixed feelings about what Lalli has to say next. It's certainly hurtful to hear something like "I didn't think about you," though the real comment is more specific, but at the same time the openness that comes from sharing something like that is in and of itself complimentary. )

Oh...that's okay, I guess. ( It's not like he spends every waking moment wondering where Lalli is...just most of them. ) There's not much to do here other than hang around this place and talk to the lizards all day. It's been dull for the most part.

...Though I'm sure that might be worse for you. ( Being up 24/7...lord what do you even do with your time. )

...I guess.

[oh god yes it's terrible he's going insane and maybe it's making him paranoid is that alia looking at him like A Lot??? HE DOESN'T USUALLY REGISTER PEOPLE LOOKING AT HIM, BUT THIS LIZARD DOES SEEM TO BE WATCHING HIM... With a huff, he shuffles his chair to remove him from his view so he can go back to focusing on Emil. Hi, friend.]

I always used to know what you were doing. Even if I didn't...know what you were doing. [There was soooo much that went over his head. Anyway!] I don't talk to a lot of people. Just...run and read. Mostly.

( Emil is totally oblivious to Lalli's potential lizard love, instead focusing on food. He didn't eat much yesterday and thus food is suddenly more appealing than usual, even if he doesn't fully understand what's in it. )

Well, it makes sense on a mission. Afterwards, there's no way we'd know what each other was doing all the time... ( Oh, that actually makes him sad after he says it. Of course everyone was expected to go their separate ways -- minus Tuuri and Lalli, but look how that turned out. It was a job, but he ended up getting more out of it than work experience and some extra cash. ) I definitely would have wondered about you.

( It's almost said to himself more than Lalli. They have enough to go off of communicating face-to-face back home, but once that was removed they would have been completely lost to one another. )

[Yeah, food's pretty fantastic, and Lalli's doing his usual deal of picking at whatever piece he wants in the moment, whether it's technically his or not, and munching away.]

...Mrh.

[He hadn't thought about it, except for that time Emil had been gesturing at a flower and saying something about how things were good. Things had been horrible and would continue to be horrible. It didn't matter what everyone else would be doing...even if they had made it home.

He still just wants to go home. So, so much...]

I can't tell you now to make you not wonder. I don't really know what I'll do.

( He's not used to a lot about Lalli, but he's certainly used to the weird food habits, so pick away. Talking about home is a sore spot, and Emil's almost immediately sorry he swerved the conversation in that direction. It was somewhat of a contrast to how nice everything else had been, so time to shove off from that line of thought -- only nice things allowed.

At least for a little while longer. )

On the other hand, in a place like this, it's easier to know. And then there's the telepathy...as much as I don't like having it, it has it's uses. Like how you can let someone know you want to talk to them! I don't have to wonder if I can use that from time to time.

( Once Emil fully accepts telepathy, get used to a bunch of pings and spine tingles. This time he initiates the contact, putting a hand casually on Lalli's shoulder. ) I'm still not used to having magic of my own...but things like that are actually really nice. It makes me feel better about it all.

[It's almost like...Lalli has a whole minefield of issues...]

Ah.

[Yes, the telepathy! He doesn't perk up a ton, but there is something vaguely more uplifted about him all the same. Telepathy was great, now that he was used to it.

Also...the hand is allowed to stay. Congratulations, hand. This is still soft Lalli.]

I like the telepathy. It's easier than talking. Keeping it would be okay.

( The hand will stay, then, as it is welcome. )

I prefer not to use it unless I have to, but it's good if you're far away -- like yesterday! It made finding you much easier. And then talking when you want to talk...not like that will be a problem anymore if you're staying in my room.

( Emil's speech is reinvigorated. It feels like things can be normal, or as close to normal as they can get...which is strange, since Lalli is acting so abnormally. Maybe it's instead his own idealized form of normal, but he'll take it for now.

He retracts his hand again to continue eating, spinning on his stool to look out at the marketplace. ) It looks like the repairs are certainly underway. No doubt we won't be bored once we go out there and get to work.

( Not that he's particularly excited about hard labor -- and his tune will certainly change once he goes out there there -- but today certainly feels like a good one. )

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

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