spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

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[He glances up through his lashes before moving to watch Emil fully, and his smile slips away in the process. The touch is a comfort, but it's not like that and the hormones are taking him completely out of himself. He has to think...]

...No one is? I don't like people. They don't like me. [It's simple enough that he doesn't have to risk letting down his walls more, right? Emil should get it.] And we're different. You're Swedish and I'm a mage. Your people think we're...gross, crazy people living in trees. I don't know. And that's just one difference.

[A small one, for them.]

( That blunt statement said so matter-of-factly hits Emil in the face like his own open hand. It's just that he's not wrong -- Emil remembers the first time he met Lalli and how he was dubious of his abilities and disgusted by his lack of self-image. Of course Emil doesn't feel like that now, but he suddenly feels stupid for never considering these past actions and feelings. He still doesn't understand the full intricacies and abilities of Lalli's magic. )

I didn't mean to feel that way about you ever! ( Despite the remarks being general, he knows they apply directly to him. His intent was never malicious, but it feels wrong to sit on knowing he should feel sorry without saying something. ) I'm sorry...you're not gross or crazy.

( There's some bigger discussion here about liking one person in spite of their culture vs. accepting a culture as a whole, but baby steps. He's Growing. )

[scale hands...he sure is growing]

No. I'm not. [Good that they agree! Lalli sighs and turns his face again to hum against Emil's palm while he thinks. It makes him muffled when he speaks.] I'm used to that, though. Not...what this is between us. You're so...good.

[His sunshine boy...!]

( Being so complimented and indulged is starting to move out of the territory of ego-stroking and into the realm of embarrassed shyness. Emil didn't even know he had that limit, but it seems to exist. It may just be because the vibration of Lalli's mouth against his hand tickles, making his breath stick in his throat again. )

I'm glad you think I'm...good? ( Not that he understands the complete definition of what he means, but it can't be a bad thing. Good isn't bad, Emil paid attention in tutoring at least that much. ) You're good too.

( Parroting the compliment partly because he doesn't disagree (even if he's still unsure) and because he suddenly can't figure out how word good yeah. )

I think you might have a fever after all, your face is starting to get warm. ( It's been rising in temperature for a while, but he truly understands how much once it's taken over the temperature of his own hand. )

Hn...

[Not like Emil. Lalli was certainly good at things -- lots of thing. He was a fantastic scout with a better record than most, and he was a powerful mage even without practice. But that believe had made him wicked in ways he couldn't see until everything was in pieces at his feet and he was starting to come apart, too.

But Emil... For some reason, even as he grew, he never changed. He stayed vibrant through the darkness. A light able to lead Lalli back.]

Mmn?

[He sighs a little to be dragged out of his thoughts again to this subject, but another part of him is thrilled to have Emil paying attention, still. Being concerned over him. Lalli wonders if when he's better, he'll smile for him like that. A happy thought... It sustains Lalli and gets him to let himself let go of the other's hand.]

Then... I guess it -- would be better to stay...somewhere.

[COUGH]

( His hand retains the warmth of his feverish friend even though he lets go. At first he's not sure if those weird mouth sounds that he could feel with his hand were actually a response or just noises.

Well, he's got an answer, Emil supposes. )

Probably -- do you want to stay here tonight? It would be better than wandering around outside in the elements.

( Lalli essentially spent the night the other day -- can you call it spending the night if one person is a magical insomniac? -- and that was all good. Emil understands that he can't sleep, but he feels like it'd be much better if he at least had a home base of sorts. Why Lalli hasn't established some consistent camp somewhere is beyond him. )

[He's nodding before it even occurs to him that he should. Of course he wants to spend the night???? Stupid.]

Can I stay even when I'm not sick anymore?

[This fever makes him so bold...! Thanks, fever. He definitely won't regret this later and want to run off the side of the world -- wait, what if this one is round like Earth... fuck]

( As stated previously, Emil is an idiot and Lalli is being weird. This isn't a good combination if you want immediate comprehension. )

Of course. I was just thinking about how you should find a real place to stay. ( Rooming with Lalli is nbd; they shared a small living space with a hoard of other people for weeks and weeks, this is an upgrade if ever there was one. ) There's enough room for you on the floor, and you can keep your things in the corner.

( Emil gestures to the designated spot in the room with his things. It's a very humble abode, but Lalli can share if it he wants. )

[the corner.......... Like, I wish I could say he feels insulted by that, but that's more than he's been offered in a while. Any space he had the past few years, he had to make known was his. Not that it was a lot -- he's small, after all.]

It's just a bag. I don't have a lot of stuff.

[Still, he's curious, and the tip of his head speaks to that.]

I "should"? Why?

( Look, he's offering what he has to offer...pick a place to put your shit Lalli, he won't complain!! Maybe. )

Because it's better to have a place to stay! Like...if it rains, or if you need a place to put your things. It's better to have a place to come home to, right? Even if it isn't actually home.

( There's just something comforting to him about having your own space...it's also pretty practical, which is a toss up when it comes to Emil, so be proud. )

[I mean... It's hard to find fault with that argument. It is...indeed better to have shelter. Still, a place to "come home" to...

Whatever. It doesn't really matter, since they're in agreement about him staying. Lalli flops forward with an exhale and gets himself nice and settled against Emil.]

Okay. That sounds good.

( Uh. Well, that's great and all but he may have just wandered into an alternate dimension...maybe Emil is the one who was poisoned somehow. )

Aren't you going to sleep on the floor...? ( If you aren't a floor gremlin then he doesn't know who you are anymore. )

Puh. I'm not going to "sleep" at all.

[DID YOU FORGET HOW NICE FOR YOU]

M'just... [vague hand motion] ...Still feeling weird. Is this too much now?

[Has the weirdness actually kicked in to the point of making his actions messed up...]

You know what I mean. ( He's not going to completely overturn his normalized vocabulary for you in a couple of months. ) It's not too much, it's just not what you usually want, I guess.

( The next awkward dilemma is looking from the floor and back to Lalli...if he gets the bed, does that mean Emil gets the floor in this alternate timeline?? Hold on a minute, he has to figure out if he really has to sleep on the rock-hard floor and that dump of a rug OR if Lalli would be okay with him staying in the bed because both of these things are very peculiar scenarios. )

I should go down there...? ( It's posed like a question because.....?? Help him? )

[but why not, doesn't Lalli deserve the hardship of overturning vocabulary, isn't he good enough for that??

And yes, he knows it isn't what he usually wants, that was the whole...point. That's why he's sick. And that's why he props himself on his elbow and reaches out to catch Emil's arm.]

No. I want you to stay with me.

[If that's okay...]

Um... Maybe... [fuck, this is embarrassing, and this time his blush is partly frustration because what the actual fuck] Can you pet my forehead?

[IS THERE A GOOD WAY TO ASK THAT, PLEASE ADVISE]

Just for a little bit. While we lay together.

( no there isn't, what kind of kinky shit lalli )

Uhm... ( Emil doesn't really know what to do except hesitate because this is really uncharted territory as far as Lalli is concerned. Is this how he acts when he's sick? Like a totally different person? Well, of course there's some Lalli injected in there, but he's just so different. ) Yeah, okay.

( It's certainly not that he's unwilling to do it but Lalli isn't the only embarrassed one here. It's really hard to say no to Lalli when he's reciprocating friendship so blatantly, but this sailed past levels of reciprocity about two requests ago. It would be hard for Emil to actually explain how he feels in any succinct, logical way -- especially when Lalli says lay together and some of his nerve endings feel like they're being forcibly halted.

It doesn't stop him from stiffly laying there for a second before shifting onto his side to look towards Lalli. Oh right, forehead petting -- cautiously, Emil brings his free hand to shakily touch his friend's forehead. He doesn't exactly have a lot of bangs to muse, but he carefully slides his fingers underneath them as he moves across to feel the whole of Lalli's warm forehead. )

Like this...? ( If he misheard Lalli and somehow got "pet my forehead" out of...idk, "get my boar's head," that'd make things three times as awkward. )

[It's his secret anxiety comfort kink he never really had the guts or impulse to test out and will be mortified enough to backflip out a window for tomorrow, don't kinkshame him...

The way he closes his eyes and his face loses some of that tightness that came from always being alert should be answer enough, but just in case, Lalli mumbles a quick affirmative. Gods, this is...so much. Were it not for the constant little things to actively take down his anxiety, he might have broken down from how overwhelming it was to have affection freely shown back and forth like this. He's certainly going to feel overstimulated after the hormones wear off, even with all the time that will have passed.

But still, as much as he was drowning in these feelings now, it didn't make it so he wasn't starved for it. There's been too many years of pushing anything like this away.]

Sorry. [He's still mumbling, and even quieter now that they're so...intimate. Undeniably so.] I don't know why I...need? This. It's stupid.

[He can feel you shakin', bruh.]

( It gets a little physically easier as he does it over and over again, shifting a little to be more comfortable. This was a lot easier when he was sitting down and Lalli was laying there. It was also easier because for other reasons -- which is actually sort of interesting to Emil and makes him think more than usual.

It was easy to give Lalli a lot of skinship before, but now it feels increasingly difficult. The casual aspect of it was an obvious difference -- there are actually a lot of differences here as compared to how things used to be. Still, isn't something supposed to get easier the more you do it?

Emil trails off and makes a noncommittal noise at Lalli's apology before it takes him a second to acknowledge that's not enough. ) Don't apologize. People are supposed to take care of you when you're sick. ( Maybe that's not The Military Way, but nothing made him feel better when he was feeling ill or feverish than being doted on. Emil doesn't care about what Lalli wants when it comes to fulfilling his requests -- of course that's because he's being so complacent and not being his usual stubborn, rude self. He's also not that sick; this beats cleaning up vomit any day.

The forehead-stroking begins to give him a twinge in his wrist with the awkward angle, so Emil shifts his hand to stroking Lalli's hair instead. Oh well, if Lalli complains -- it's more comfortable for him and it's also nice to feel the texture of the hair between his fingers. His mind flashes back to a parent gently rubbing petting his hair and how consoling that was, even if he wasn't actually upset. This feels more natural, more connecting. )

No. It's different...

[He doesn't know how, but it feels different, anyway... Of course, to him the idea of someone taking care of you when you're sick is different, too. But that was just foreign to him, not a desire he's acting on for mysterious vulnerability reasons. Even under the influence, he finds it hard to shrug this off as just a him being sick thing or a for real friendship thing. Not that he can articulate it even at his best...

The change does make him frown and give a soft grumble, but he settles right away again. It might now be the highly specific nice thing that felt surprisingly good, but it was still a nice thing that felt good. If it's what Emil wants, too, then that's...better? something something kinkpusher gremlin blah blah]

( This idiot would be totally lost if Lalli actually had something wrong with him (see: sleeping coma). If only all illnesses could be cured with hand-holding and hair-stroking. Actually, it's probably not in his best interest to do these things, and if Lalli did have a fever he's definitely in the danger zone but c'est la vie.

He sighs, finding a comfortable and slow rhythm; Emil feels lulled by the position and also tired from the recent events and turmoil. ) Everything is really different.

( That's all he can really offer because...it's as succinct as possible and also as much as he can explain it himself. Recently so much has happened, and it all seems to be one thing, right after another. At least back in Denmark there would be lulls and boring days of monotony, but nothing like that seems to exist in lizard land -- but it's also fair to say one of the bigger events did happen back during the mission, so maybe he's just stuck surrounded by sudden catastrophe either way.

Those are just events, though, not the emotional complexity surrounding those events. Emil's emotional maturity and handling capacity is under-developed, to say the least. Semi-personal loss, being ripped from home, sudden attacks and truly high stress...then there's whatever strange feelings that are coming from Lalli's own issues and how he has to interact with those feelings, but also Lalli on an individual level.

It's confusing. It's tiring. He's tired, but also not unhappy right now, which is what his simple mind focuses on. Why worry about bad things when you could focus on nice things? And being close to Lalli is nice. )

[Aha. That goes a lot deeper than just their immediate situation, so he lazily opens one eye to watch Emil while he thinks. While they both think, it seems like...

So. Even the idiot sunshine boy got like this, huh? It should be upsetting to see his light in the darkness so dim, but Lalli almost feels...relieved. That's kind of fucked up, when he thinks about it, but it's another piece of evidence to say that he wasn't alone. That maybe...it really could work out with him.

Friendship, of course. Yeah.

He lifts a hand to brush back Emil's hair in return, gently trailing his fingers along his cheek before continuing. He looked like he needed this, too.]

Sleep. I'll try not to wake you up when I get off.

[oocly makes cringey face because I'm trash theres nothing wrong with that statement...]

( don't speak to me ever again

His awareness resurfaces when Lalli touches his own hair, then grazes his face. He's a touchy person, maybe more specifically he's touchy with those he feels an attachment to, but oh, he does enjoy it when someone else initiates it. Touching is about sending, receiving, sharing familiar warmth -- he's done so much sending, it's nice to get something back.

Lalli'd touched him previously in the evening, obviously, but this feels so real somehow. What does that mean, "real?" It's just what his mind conjures up. If he dared to think or somehow half-know that this is an alternate Lalli, enamored with the idea of touch for the sake of touch...that would sting if true. That would be infuriating, somehow. It would mean that this nice reality actually is conjured up, no ability to be replicated. )

Are you sure? You're sick. ( The protest is very thinly veiled; Emil can barely form words enough to express himself all of a sudden. These feelings are nicer than what was running through him earlier, but experiencing so many emotions has taken its toll on him. )

[The smile is barely there, but maybe with how close they are physically and emotionally right now, it doesn't matter as much as it might have. He's amused by the weak argument even if he doesn't understand what the point of it is supposed to be, but more than that, he wants to be that same gentle force of reassurance that Emil had been for him too many times already.]

Mmn. Sleep. I'll be okay, remember? You said so.

[And he's been through so much worse than some confusing feelings of really weird touch hunger.]

Yeah, I did. ( Emil does like being right after all. His smile isn't his patented sunshine boy gleam, but it is soft and tired. Retracting his arm, Emil turns rests it between them. It's hard to break contact when the bed is small, so while the contact of being somewhat pressed together isn't purposeful, it's still present. ) I'll see you in the morning Lalli.

( He hasn't truly shared a bed with someone since early childhood, and Emil vaguely wonders if it will be hard to get to sleep in such cramped quarters, especially knowing Lalli will likely just lie there and stare at him for a while. Instead, the exhaustion in his body doesn't even allow him to pull up his blanket. Despite being uncovered, in his street clothes and pressed against someone, sleep is relatively easy to find. )

[Lalli eventually slides off the bed so he can stretch his legs, thankful his lithe frame makes extracting himself a quick, easy, quiet process. He still stays close, watching Emil breathe and musing about whatever he could be dreaming about when there's a change. It would be fun to nudge him awake and demand some tale, or to curl against him again and have his own series of nonsense stories, but one of those is impossible and the other would ruin the peace hanging over them.

By the time Emil wakes up on his own, Lalli is leaning on the wall close to the window so he can take in the broken city and still keep an eye on his friend. The wave he gives is minimal, and for a minute that's all the morning greeting he's going to get... but eventually Lalli takes a seat and tips his head.]

I need food before we start. Do you want to come with me...?

[Like, they could just meet up later, but... breakfast date... Also he's making no indication that he has other clothes he's going to change into or that he minds? He's a gross garbage stank boy.]

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laying it on real thick because fuck it

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