spellbinders | when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Entry tags:

when everything's made to be broken [open.]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

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It doesn't really make sense on its face, but a specific word...I'm not sure. I guess it could happen, though I can't really think of a situation where I'd want to do something I normally didn't want to do.

( Says someone who has done mini 180s on several basic principles, traits and interests in the past few months, but there were actual reasons for that. Emil will rack his ~previously academic brain~ for a better answer to this question, though consider him intrigued. )

Why do you ask?

[Ugh, yeah, it was a better question for someone like Tuuri, not...Emil... That butterfly feeling that was probably hope had been contagious, even if his own weird sickness wasn't.]

...I don't know.

[His fingers twitch involuntarily, but he soon quiets them with a careful squeeze of Emil's hand, since that had apparently worked in comforting the other when he did it.]

It's stupid. I feel like that, I guess. It's why I think something's wrong. If it was normal, it might...be okay. Maybe.

( For as much clarity as that offers, it also doesn't really answer some of the bigger questions. You are an enigma, Mr. Hotakainen. )

If you feel like that, then what is it you want to do all of a sudden? I'm sure it can't be that big of a deal...and if you want to do it right now, it's not like you're doing something you truly don't want to after all.

( You're treading dangerous territory, Mr. Västerström. )

[That's...questionable... He'd gone out into the Silent World and erroneously thought some of that was okay, but if he could go back and make the decision to never leave Finland?

...Emil's skin really is soft against his, isn't it? Full of life, just like his smile, and eyes, and his voice when he had even a little bit of confidence in what he was saying.

Wait, what was Lalli thinking about, again?]

What? [ -- oh yeah.] Um. Weird...stuff. [uh] I don't think...here is the place. I wouldn't be comfortable. [uhhh]

( What in the fuck does this kid want to do all of a sudden??? If you ask Emil, most of what Lalli does already is weird, so if he's subconscious about something being weird...lord help him.

He would ask if it had to do with dead things or mage stuff but the last time he brought similar subjects up it seemed to be touchy (even if mostly to Emil himself), so...guess he'll just ride this train and see where it takes him. )

Eat then, and we can go do whatever it is you want to. ( Emil finally lets go of Lalli's hand, almost forgetting his own was occupied. He's inserting himself into whatever this is instinctively, and maybe subconsciously out of a morbid curiosity. ) Wherever you think is comfortable, too.

[He'd be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed to have two free hands again, but at least Emil isn't pressing him to continue right here, right now. This kind of support was completely alien to him, but like most alien things surrounding Emil, it...wasn't so bad. He could make room in his schedule to get used to this, as long as he didn't start to rely on it. Once that happened, it would all fall apart. Nodding to himself, but also to show Emil that he's complying, he sets to work on this food given to them by wistful lizards.

When he's done, he gets up with just a quick update of,] Still don't feel different, [before making his way out the door and in the direction of Emil's...weird room thing. He wouldn't say he's exactly comfortable there, but it was better than any other place he could think of in this stupid lizard world.]

You don't feel weird, right? Like I'm making you not-poisoned, too?

( Emil only managed to eat a few bites -- some hand-holding won't totally get rid of a deep-seated, post-murder party dread that's settled in the pit of his stomach, so he mostly takes bites just to have something to do.

There's no recognition of what he's doing, other than a vague mental thought of "My room is over here." Walking outside, the remaining Palai are still trying to gather things, mend broken stalls and the like. )

No -- not like you feel, I think. ( He'd be lying if he said he felt totally normal, but what he is feeling is certainly understandable for what just happened. ) At this point I don't think you're poisoned...at least I don't know of a poison that would just make you want to do some weird things, nothing else.

( Fact: Emil doesn't know much about poisons, so this is essentially meaningless. )

Mm. I said not-poisoned.

[His words were totally clear because he has zero issues with communication or even just figuring out basic words. He glances behind himself every now and again, mostly to make sure Emil isn't lagging too far behind, and -- what is he doing, looking like that? It makes that new need pop up again, but Lalli does his best to ignore it. Not here, not just...out of the blue like that.]

...Do you want to help me tomorrow? I was going to do more...funeral stuff. And maybe fix...things? [???? what the fuck do people do to help when they ran out of work related to them]

( Emil looks up, unaware his gaze had sort of drifted off into the distance. Lalli was asking him to do stuff...funeral stuff? Admittedly, he'd have no idea what he should do, but knowing Lalli he'd set him straight pretty quickly. )

Sure. I can help you fix things, but what do you want me to do about funerals? ( Fixing things makes sense; imagining Lalli lifting heavy things is kind of comical to imagine. Not that his muscles are useful, for as present as they are.

Funeral things...it just depends on those death rites they danced around last time. )

Um. I don't know.

[honestly...]

I guess you...can't. For most of it. Maybe...the people? Part?

[Like with lifting things, comforting the grieving was something Lalli was absolute shit at. Emil was awkward and bumbling, but...he'd still be better at it than Lalli, right? Maybe he could turn those warm eyes on sad lizards and make them feel better? Something.]]

( Ah. Figures. He is decent with the Palai -- they seem to be easily infatuated with him, so he's got a chance of helping them get over their grief through letting them touch his hair. His place in life has now been established. )

Yeah, I can do that. The Palai can be overwhelming, after all. ( Not that there's a whole lot of 'em left!! Hahaha!! ) It's nice that you're willing to do things like that for them; I'm sure they appreciate it.

( They seem to be very fascinated by magic and also family-oriented, so Emil can only imagine how they'd react to something like death rites. )

[He shrugs weakly, not...sure what to do with that. Funny how he spent so long longing to be praised for, well, anything, and then now here he is. Maybe it was just because it was death-related that it felt so awkward...?]

It's...my job.

[thank the gods they're coming up on Emil's place, he's not sure he can keep doing this for multiple reasons.]

They need the help.

( Emil is thankful too since the conversation kind of became a downer, and it actually makes him realize that Lalli...apparently wants to go to "his place." Well, if that makes him comfortable.

Hopefully he's not wrong -- Emil gives Lalli A Look as he approaches his door, finding it strange that a couple of weeks ago Lalli didn't seem to want to speak to him much, let alone come to his room multiple times in a short time span. )

This is where you were going, right? Come in. ( He opens the door and watches his friend expectantly. Mi suite es tu suite. )

[Privacy...at last. It's still not an ideal spot, but it's as good as it's going to get, so he marches in with sure steps and set shoulders. Yes, he's definitely confident and comfortable this thing he mysteriously wants out of no where...! Ignore the deep, shuddering breath!]

...It's okay? [Is Emil sure about letting him do something weird? Will he really stand by him through this...?]

( This is essentially killing him at this point. He's so curious, but also nervous because...what is he doing? What is he going to do? Is he going to have to clean up after whatever it is? Are there bones??

Maybe it's okay to be a little apprehensive...? )

I guess...? I trust you. ( if it's gross, he's going to mcfreakin lose it )

[Ah... He trusts him. That must be why Lalli feels so intensely like he could stare death in the face right at this instant. And why he's so terrified that he's made a mistake again... He trusts Emil. Trusting things -- trusting people -- had never really worked out great in the past.

So. Here's hoping Emil's way of breaking new ground with a simple, moronic trip would continue here.

Lalli tries to get any twitches under control, but the longer he holds back, the harder it is to do so, so it isn't long before he inhales, holds it, and steps closer. His arms worm themselves under the other's so he could fold himself tightly against Emil's form, all angles despite his best attempt at being ginger and just...a good fit. Being new to this outside of Tuuri's forced interactions probably didn't help. Tucking his face into Emil's shoulder, he finally exhales, hot and nervous.]

Hold me. If this is okay.

( If you gave Emil a hundred guesses as to what "weird things" Lalli wanted to do in his room, this certainly wouldn't have been one of them.

Despite Lalli's small stature, Emil suddenly feels like he's being absorbed. Even if he's boney and the width of a birch tree, he doesn't feel bad. It's not the first time he's been this close to Lalli, at all, but it's the first time Lalli's ever done this to him. It's also...really intimate, which is actually really nice.

While his mind is racing with the sudden shock of it all, his arms just sort of stay in place for a second because...oh. That really just happened. It takes him about 10 seconds before he finally complies. It's not meant to be a malicious hesitation, but he needs time to wrap his read around the request. Emil places his arms around Lalli securely, not squeezing but instead holds him comfortably. )

Is this -- is this that weird thing you wanted to do? ( He asks this stupidly while trying to figure out where to put his hands and his head; oh god hugs were so much easier before this moment, why is he suddenly an idiot. ) It's okay...I mean, if it is that weird thing after all!

[The hesitation is killing him. He's about to pull away when he finally feels the relief of a ring of pressure curling around him, as...odd as that is to say. And feel. The thought of You hate this, you should punch him. circles around his head a few times before realizing it's going to be ignored and settling into an anxious buzz.

Instead of a proper reply, he can only manage a hum and tiny nod. Yes... This is his shameful weird activity. Stop shaming him.

...Also he's kind of. Not letting go? Or loosening up? secretly death hug at least his arms are weak baby branches]

( Okay, well at least he's got confirmation. The fear that maybe Lalli was giving him an apology hug before dissecting a lizard in front of him vanishes...this isn't some animal ear world, he's got a ways to go in this regard still.

Lalli never lets up which means he feels like he should probably stay the same way. At least he figured out where to put his awkward appendages, so he's stuck standing and feeling Lalli's breathing patterns in his shoulder. Something about it feels sort of familial, which may be why he rubs Lalli's back slowly with one hand.

Emil has the thought that Lalli has been more forthcoming with his feelings lately, but maybe trying to say something about needing someone to give him physical reassurance was hard? If he needs a hug after all that's happened, her certainly won't say no.

He pulls his head back a little just so he's not muffled or unheard. ) This...isn't weird. At least not to me. ( He's gotten hugs when he was down thousands of times...and the idea of this being weird pheromones is further from his mind than Lalli somehow being handsy. )

[It isn't weird.]

It...isn't?

[It certainly feels bizarre. It had always been so unwelcome to him, like there was some kind of reaction between his skin and others that sent his entire body into fight or flight. Of course he'd known that reaction wasn't normal -- he saw people hug, kiss, tackle each other... Everything the rest of the crew had done since they met was evidence that it was a worldwide phenomenon, not just limited to his fellow Finns, (which would have been wishful thinking on his part if he'd even thought to consider it.)

He'd never thought he'd be...one of the normal ones like this. But as he feels the heat and softness of another human -- a human he trusts and who trusts him in kind -- he starts to wonder if this was why they did it, too. It was...nice. It was really nice.

Lalli looks up with uncertainty still in his eyes, but there isn't the restraint he'd tried so hard to keep in place until now. It's scary, sure, but...safe. Emil said this was all okay.]

I don't...understand what's happening to me.

( In Emil's case, it's definitely not that deep. He lives in that blissful ignorance of normalcy where hitting people on the back or hugging them before they leave the house is almost expected from you. He gets Lalli is apparently...sort of not from that kind of place, even if the depths of this knowledge are shallow.

It's definitely a little weird to have to explain stuff like this to anyone when 99.9% of everyone else just happens to get it, but he never said he liked Lalli for being one in the same. )

People do this all the time, especially when they're upset. We've had to do a lot lately...and then you know. Everything else. ( His voice starts off airy and slips into a softer, lower whisper by the end. Emil's not sure how to bring up Tuuri without bringing about upset, and he's not so insensitive and foot-in-mouth as to point out that elephant in the room every time they talk. )

I don't really know how to explain why it feels good, but it just does. Safe, you know? Like everything isn't as big a deal as you think it is.

[He listens patiently, eyes closing as he goes back to resting his temple on Emil's shoulder so he can both hear and feel the words being spoken to him. Kind of like telepathy... This part of proximity -- the hum of another making volume unnecessary -- wasn't bad at all. Even with how heavy the burden carried over through it was.]

Mmn.

[Everything that had happened and was happening now is a big deal... It really is, but Emil was right about it feeling safe, at least, like Lalli finally had a net to catch him the moment the earth started to crumble beneath his feet.]

...Does it always have to be standing?

[just wondering]

( Let Professor Västerström explain everything. He's the hug expert here -- although once you go past a minute, it's hard to tell if it's just a hug anymore. He certainly has never hugged someone for this long -- sat in the crook of the arm of a parent, maybe. Not a hug like this. )

No. Most of the time, but not always. ( Does he have to explain all the possible positions to him...that could take a while. One person laying down while the other is sitting, like tucking someone in. Sideways hugs, there's even a sort of carrying hug. No one has the time for this. ) ...Have you really never done this before?

( Or like...seen somebody??? How hug ignorant can one man be...he's growing concerned; he had to have parents at one point in time. How does someone not know about hugs so completely? )

Edited 2017-09-02 04:11 (UTC)

[A mix a embarrassed and exasperated, he huffs and finally draws back a little. Let him live...]

It isn't --

[Ehhn... Well... Lalli shakes his head, moving his hold to Emil's arms to he can drag him back over to the bed and sit him down. Might as well let his legs relax while he's feeding his heart's sudden need.]

It's not that. I mean, I'm not stupid. [He did...ask the question, though... Just ignore it.] You know how Tuuri -- was. She'd hold me when she knew I didn't like it. Of course I've done this... [But...] But not like this. Where I really, really wanted to. I don't think. Maybe when I was really little and I don't really remember. I just...

[melts against him, this is nice..........]

( It's easy to let himself be moved to the bed, somewhat relieved that he doesn't have to stand there anymore. Emil adjusts himself accordingly since, despite Lalli's desire to sit and his letting up a little more, it's clear he doesn't want to let go.

Lalli's explanation makes a little more sense, despite...that bizarre question. He does know how Tuuri was -- well, he knows a little. Actually, he doesn't know that much about Lalli's family, or life for that matter. Now just doesn't seem like the time to inquire.

Still, it makes him feel bad for his friend. He obviously doesn't see the whole picture, but what he does see he doesn't like. Emil gives him a squeeze, just like others had given him time and time again. If he'd been held when he didn't want to and can't remember the last time he'd really wanted to be, it's easy to indulge him when he does truly want it. Especially when it's still hard to imagine the weight of the cousin he lost that he has to carry around now.

It's also easy to admit that it's nice. Military training makes you more adjusted to being away from your family for extended periods of time, and of course he's thought about how nice it would be to be back home rather than in Danish hell or a space island or lizard land...but Emil didn't realize how much he missed the physical memory of closeness with someone that wasn't bumping into them or being forced next to one another.

That's why he keeps the pressure of the squeeze. Suddenly it's as reassuring as he told Lalli it was supposed to be. )

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