spellbinders | And I lay there wondering, what is the matter?

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And I lay there wondering, what is the matter?

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and Emil Västerström.
Where: Coven house (?)
When: Backdated to the morning of Day 34.
Open/Closed: Closed.

[When he was young, he'd forced himself to accept the idea of waking up in a different place than he'd gone to sleep. Spirit walking should have made that easier to swallow, but there he knew he'd always be in his haven the next time sleep rolled around. Soul exactly where it was meant to be. His body never really had the same luxury... Even in places he'd been told were home now, he never felt like he wasn't...out of place. But he accepted it.

It was harder now. Every day had been new in the Silent World, when he'd actually been given the opportunity to sleep -- and there had been times his advice on where to go had been completely ignored, it seemed -- but even that was nothing compared to this completely alien universe. He had his connection with his gods back, sure, but...

He felt so disconnected all the same.

When the lynx returns, he welcomes it with a gratefulness and love that almost hurts. They failed -- or Lalli did, as the lynx had no say in the plan despite its participation -- but at least they won't die alone in this unfamiliar land. Not because of Lalli's mistakes. Not yet.

Empty even with his soul back together, he makes himself accept waking up here, different still from where he'd expected, with a shuddered sigh.]

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[Ah... That voice...

Lalli's eyes don't snap open, even if the sluggishness he feels is purely emotional, instead lingering partly closed as he shifts a blank stare over to the source of the words. It was Emil. Looking...almost happy to see him.

So. It was a dream again.

He pushes himself up to a sitting position and patiently folds his hands in his lap while he continues to watch the other boy. Even if it's some wishful thinking brought on by his hurting heart, he can't help but to feel curious about where this would go. Having the dream-Emil dote on him sounded better than facing the reality where he had failed all of them again.]

...I'm awake. We're in a house?

[Is it supposed to be their house...? Help him out, dream boy.]

( ...Well. Lalli stares at him for a beat and Emil stares back, expecting something. More. But then again, he's sort of muted when he first wakes up so maybe he just isn't fully firing at all synapses in order to pull his hair or throw a tantrum. Emil is optimistic but also ready for the worst.

Perhaps the issue is more so groggy confusion since Lalli doesn't immediately get where they are. Understandable. )

Oh -- yeah. You were just sort of laying down outside, passed out. Like the last time! Except that time you at least came into the tank before sleeping like the dead.

This is that house everyone wants to spend all of their time in. Dirk brought us here with some sort of magic space pocket. I don't understand how it works, you'll have to ask him about the details if you care.

( His wordiness being utilized on someone potentially delirious is a little lost on him, but Emil's been silent for hours so let him talk a little. )

Just thank goodness you're finally awake. You slept right through that whole Oo-vee attack, you know. ( Which might be for the better since they luckily got to skip the whole thing. )

[Yeah... He'd felt weird about it, but he had tried to head towards the direction of where Emil had been staying, hadn't he? He wonders if the real one picked him up, too. He'd find out soon enough... Still, kind of interesting that his dream had decided to take them off to some other location.]

Aha.

[As weird as it all is -- Dirk is involved? Why? -- he just gives an accepting nod. And heck, since it was a dream anyway -- ]

I'm...glad you're here. [Even if it turns out the other one wouldn't be, this... This was good. A warmth when everything else had become painful shards of ice.] Nothing bad happened here...

( Wow...so soft. Lalli may just be sleepier or more out of it than he thought. He's got a lot of questions to ask and chiding to do but that can wait until his friend is a bit more coherent. )

Well, nothing bad happened to us. ( Since surely some people got hurting fighting some scaly creatures...best not to think about it too much, though. ) Except, uh. You might have some juice on your face. I tried to clean it off as best I could. It was an accident, really, and just a little bit!

( It wasn't but maybe that will keep Lalli from getting mad because he literally dumped juice on him. It would be hypocritical but you never know. )

[...wait a minute.

That was a little too weird? No matter how ineffectual he believes Emil to be, why the fuck would there be juice on his face in his own dream...]

Oh.

[It...couldn't be real. Right? Emil looked happy to see him. He'd been worried and attentive. He... He heard Lalli tell him he was happy to see him, oh no. This is the worst.

Lalli reaches out and presses his palm, fingers splayed, against the other's face, because that's how you make sure of these things, obviously.]

...

[Fuck.

TIME TO PUSH AT HIS FACE UNTIL EMIL IS ON THE GROUND AND HE CAN PIN HIM BY SITTING ON HIM YES THIS IS A GOOD COURSE OF ACTION LALLI MAKES EXCELLENT DECISIONS ONCE AGAIN FUCKITY FUCK]

What are you doing?

( ...................He did not know "accidentally" spilling juice on Lalli would make him this upset.

His words aren't actually as upset sounding as his weird actions, but he is irritated by having his face smooshed. Then Lalli has the audacity to sit on him while still pressing his face in on itself. Holy shit this is an unexpected turn of events.

After grunting a bit at being forcibly shifted -- why is this bean pole so strong? -- Emil finally ulps out a plea. )

What are you doing? Will you please get off of me!?

[You can do a lot through the power of determination. It's gotten him this far in life, despite everything.]

No.

[If he gets up, he's going to bolt. He can feel it in the way his heart hammers blood through his body, making it thrum to the beat of I'm ready. I'm ready. All he needs is to let that impulse run free, and he will, too.

So. He stays on Emil. But he'll stop pushing at his face.]

You're not a dream. Why are you here?

( Instead of pushing Lalli off, he uses his free hands to make sure his face and hair are back in order. Ow, it feels like Lalli shoved his nose into his brain for a second. )

No, of course I'm not a dream. ( The concept sounds ridiculous to him -- almost as ridiculous as being voluntarily sat on by a sleepy goblin. ) What do you mean why am I here? I was watching out for you while you were sleeping through everything!

[See, dream Emil wouldn't have been concerned so much with his hair. Dream Emil's confident in his good looks and would let Lalli do what he wants...!]

You weren't here before, so why are you here now?

( This line of questioning is totally lost on Emil, whose hair needs are greatly misunderstood and appropriated by Lalli's dream sequences. )

What are you talking about? I've been here all day. I didn't know you were going to do that...magic sleeping thing, so I wasn't there when it happened.

( He sits up on his elbows as much as possible; it's not like Lalli is heavy and Emil easily outweighs him, but it's still an awkward position. ) You didn't tell me it'd be happening, anyway, or else I would have been.

( Does Lalli know when it happens? He's acting like it, so Emil will assume. )

[Well, at least both of them are bewildered... Though the complete lack of understanding on Emil's part makes Lalli sigh and want to push his face again. Boy!!!]

No! [huff, small grumble of you're so stupid, nice.] Last time. Back home. None of you cared, even though I was being really, really good! Why are you acting like you care when I've only been bad?

( Oh...huh. Emil stares and processes this information with a dazed expression. Back home, last time. He'd taken consideration to last time -- or at least, he thought he had. Something about the sentences stings him a little, like he'd been scolded or caught doing something embarrassing.

Maybe it's because there's a lot to unpack there, but Emil's mind is a simple one. )

I'm not acting like anything. What do you mean you've been bad? ( His mind makes him think of things like eating dessert before dinner or not making his bed or something. Lalli is just...Lalli, what does being bad have to do with anything? )

[This is hard. On his pride and his heart. His shoulders slump, and with avoidant eyes he slides off Emil to lean himself against the wall and draw his legs in tight.]

...I couldn't reach anyone, when I was out. I couldn't find Onni, or that stupid foreign mage, or -- anyone. I couldn't help anyone here, just like...I couldn't help back home.

I tried. I did.

( Emil is confused [300]. None of this scans as...bad to him. First and foremost, he doesn't get what he means by "when he was out," but Emil doesn't know any of this magic stuff from a hole in the ground. )

I don't really get what you're talking about -- your cousin? Reynir, none of those people are here. Unless you can reach them somehow? ( Do they have some kind of mage telepathy? ) But that's not bad. If anything, I'm sorry you can't get in touch with your family.

( This should be disappointing to Lalli exclusively for this reason, in his mind. How it's bad for anyone else is beyond him. )

[ughhhh... With a groan, he extends a leg to push against Emil. Dumb boy!!]

That's why I wanted to sleep, so I could look for their souls a long time. But they're too far away. I failed, don't you understand that?

[well -- ] Too far away or don't want to forgive me.

( OOF. ) Don't kick me -- and reconsider not sitting on me.

( Emil can't exactly say it with a lot of conviction, though, since Lalli seems so downtrodden. In the biggest sense of the word...yeah, he failed. But it also sounds so harsh. Sure, Lalli didn't accomplish a task he set out to do, but he seems so determined to achieve this thing that only seems to tangentially matter. )

Just calm down. What do you expect forgiveness for? Lalli, you haven't done anything wrong.

( Talking to Lalli lately makes him feel like he can only see out of one eye. He gets some details but there's a whole other side of the story he feels isn't being communicated. Trying to get Lalli to talk to him clearly without seeming like an idiot is difficult, though, and just loops them both into frustration.

Again, not being on the same language wavelength was so much easier. )

[He closes his eyes, because maybe then he won't close himself off. Speaking was so hard -- even, as noted, if it was the same language. Maybe it was just that they were different languages completely? Different inflections, colloquialisms, structure. History.

Lalli falls back into his makeshift bed with a loud sigh, heavy with grief.]

I...

[It takes a minute. Two. He's coming up on a third when he finally continues,] If I got everyone home faster... Or if I didn't go. Maybe -- [Fuck.] Tuuri would...still be alive. Sh-she's dead.

[And he hadn't done anything.]

( Well, at least Lalli obliged him and stopped sitting on him. He sits up completely, expecting Lalli to speak up, but he doesn't. He'd like to press the issue, but maybe talking is hard at the moment. Previously he may not have understood this sentiment, but lately he's been especially bad at it himself.

The pregnant pause is an awkward one, but Emil listens with renewed intensity when Lalli speaks up. He...expected something. Emil couldn't express what exactly he expected, but that certainly wasn't it. )

What? ( Everything that leaves his mouth sounds dumb as he says it, which is actually a feat for Emil. It doesn't stop him from saying it all, though. ) That's impossible. She was just maybe infected when I left. That's serious, but she's not dead.

( Maybe Lalli's just being negative, like usually. Maybe it's just his automatic trigger for self-blame that Emil hadn't expected to discover. But he's absolutely positive that is not this case. It can't be. )

[Another kick. Swift and painful, this time, like he was trying to make Emil's body as broken as his heart and his voice when he snaps back.]

She's dead, Emil, I saw it come for her! I felt her spirit get weaker! Then stupid Qri brought us here and I couldn't help her, and she could get lost, and become like those really scary ghosts trying to kill us! Because no one can help her anymore. No one...

( Well, he certainly succeeded in making that one really hurt. It's hardly the worst of his problems suddenly, however, as the sting of being kicked is lost in the realization of Lalli's honest to goodness fear.

In the past month or so he'd found it easy to not know what to say to Lalli and his friend's demeanor didn't help that problem become solved. Suddenly having to make awkward, gap-filling small talk seems to be child's play because...words aren't just lost to him, they're non-existent. The language capacity to articulate or assuage grief doesn't exist within him. Aside from grandparents he really had no connection to and the stray military mate, no one had ever actually died in any proximity to him before. Not someone he'd talked to more than once, who he knew and communicated with. Outside of himself, that's Lalli's cousin, and imagining one of his own closer family members being dead...it's something his brain can't comprehend.

Just like a lot of what Lalli says, Emil doesn't understand the magical logistics of this but he does know Finnish magic has vaguely to do with spirits and their treatment. He'd seen some of it and doesn't really get it still, but that doesn't seem to be important anymore. )

I'm sorry, Lalli. ( He's surprised that doesn't come out sounding scratchy since his throat seems to suddenly be totally void of moisture. ) I -- I have no idea what you should do. What you can do. I'm sorry.

[This was one of the things he'd been afraid of, whenever the words came to the tip of his tongue. Taking Emil down into the depths with him when he could barely keep afloat on his own. Not wanting to see the fear and destruction he might have caused -- had to have caused, because that was what being around him did -- he turns on his side to face away from Emil.

It isn't fair that he already feels exhausted, after spending all that time unconscious, but it wouldn't be his life if it was fair.]

...Emil, why are you here with me? Why weren't you there last time?

( It's hard to drag himself back to this previously posed line of questioning he'd kind of glossed over. Speaking of the word, his mind feels a little glossy all over. He takes the time to focus on Lalli's words to make sure he heard them right. It's not that confusing, just he suddenly feels weighed down mentally. )

Why wouldn't I be? You couldn't be left alone. I don't know what you mean that I wasn't there last time. I was.

( And he was thanked by a faceful of hot food; he remembers QUITE clearly. )

[Right. Emil doesn't have the connecting thread of alone tangling up his insides.

Last time he'd hoped beyond hope, deluded himself, that there were people there for him. A friend waiting. Superiors in rank not acting superior because they valued his hard work. Him. Family.

Gods, he shouldn't have brushed her aside like that in his dream... What a horrible person he is. Because now she's gone when she had been one of the few things that stuck by him in his life. He was alone.]

You weren't. I'm not stupid just because I couldn't understand you, I woke up and you were all talking about that stupid kitten together. None of you cared.

( Lalli sure likes to fall back on "stupid" a lot -- calling Emil stupid, saying he's not stupid. He's quite sure that neither of them are stupid, and that he's never intentionally tried to treat Lalli like he's an idiot.

...Well, maybe right after he met him. But since then it's more like he's found him baffling, not an idiot. )

What do you mean I didn't care? I checked on you every day. I tried to get everyone to explain what was going on to me and look after you -- I was right next to you when you started to scream your lungs out. You had a clump of my hair in your hands.

( This may have come out as more forceful than he would have liked, but he doesn't like the insinuation that he was being lackadaisical when he was one of the only people -- the only person -- who wanted to give a damn. )

You're mad at me just because you woke up when I wasn't right there, and I did try to talk to you right after you woke up. Remember? ( HIS FACE DOES. ) Is that why you were so irritated?

[He doesn't respond. Outside of breathing, he doesn't move. There's a few crumbs or pieces of dirt or something between his makeshift bed and the wall... Figuring out which one it was would be really easy, if disgusting. He doesn't think it bothers him enough to put it to the test... Things like that usually didn't. As long as it stayed closer to the wall and him. That would be good.

...It's not a good distraction from all of this. Emil says he was there...]

In my dream, I...didn't have to rely on anyone. People relied on me. But they were really nice about it. I...understood every word, and the ways you treated me.

I didn't have to be alone.

[His teeth clench painfully together, and he can feel his nails digging in to where he's holding himself, too. Thank the gods for telepathy.]

( Lalli's switch to telepathy makes him start at first. He'd taken to sort of staring at his knapsack while Lalli was silent again, not sure if the absence of reaction was a good thing or a bad thing. Usually when Lalli was angry he lashed out immediately, but maybe he accidentally stepped on some sort of landmine and he was storing up power for an explosion.

Emil vaguely became aware of his stomach in knots at that moment.

But when he talks and then suddenly the voice is in his head and not his ears, Emil looks at him to see why he can't talk normally, or whether he just doesn't want to. He can't see his complete body, but he's noticeably tense. It's amazing how someone who is all bones and angles can become even sharper.

Whether or not it's the right thing to do, Emil's most comforting gesture is to put a hand on Lalli's shoulder and squeeze reassuringly. b>)

I know they aren't here. ( And he knows Tuuri can't be. ) But you aren't alone. I can understand you now. Things can be different.

[He flinches like Emil's gentlest touch could leave a burn that lasted years, but he doesn't move to slap him away or run from the room. He just...is. He exists. He lies there and breathes in a strange place with a strange boy that he couldn't stop caring for no matter how he tried, and who -- for some fucking reason -- seems to care about him. Enough to try and convince him he wasn't alone, anyway.

When he realizes he's holding his breath, he holds it a little longer until he can't stand it anymore. Then it leaves him with a loud shudder.]

...Don't touch me. Stay.

( It sounds like he had done both a simultaneously right AND wrong thing, which he'll take it. He retracts his hand with a jerk as soon as Lalli demands it, and he doesn't have any plans of leaving so the second order is easy to follow.

It feels like Lalli's tenseness has transferred to him, and the unease doesn't leave. He's not used to complex emotions, and leaving things so ambiguous doesn't sit well on the knots in his stomachs. Emil lets the air ride for a minute while his mind thinks of something to offer. )

I don't know if Finns have special things they do for...death rites. ( He says those last two words very gingerly, both to try and mitigate the upset and also to test them out. He'd only found out one of his crewmates died five minutes ago, after all. It was still surreal. ) Maybe you can do something -- not here since I don't know if we're staying. I think we're supposed to return to that space rock with the beach.

It would make me feel better if I could give a family member a semi-proper send off, anyway. ( That he is sure of. He may not know Lalli's family, but he does know family. At least it's the thought that counts. )

[Very slowly, he shifts to be on his back and less closed off from Emil, though he doesn't look over at him. He doesn't really want to.]

...I can't do anything for her here. Or the...other island. I'm too far, so I can't help.

[Finnish practices these days were all about the deceased, not the grieving. Sucks to have corrupted souls be a thing...!]

( Well it was worth a shot. He lets out a long breath while he still tries to wrap his mind around the issue. Emil doesn't pretend to understand how this extreme magic works -- whether they'd eventually be plopped back home in real time, stranded in the middle of some Danish forest because they'd been gone for months while everyone else eventually got picked up and taken back. Regardless, he'd never actually thought too hard about what would have been different if that was the case.

More or less, Emil just assumed that life would resume as normal and nothing would be different. But even if he really didn't care too deeply for Tuuri, it feels numbing that upon returning she would be no more.

The line of thought creates a few mental threads, like what was going to happen after the mission and the real and disgusting dangers of his world, but he quickly closes the door on that untapped part of his brain. It's just...he doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with all that yet.

Instead he focuses on something else his mind sort of connected together that didn't occur to him until a few moments ago. )

Lalli...you knew about her since we got here, right? ( One of those knots in his stomach turns out to be the mixed emotions of feeling foolish for walking around ignorant of this information while also not being able to do anything for his friend before now. ) ...Why didn't you tell me?

[He can feel his breath hitch. Yeah, that would have been something that made him mad, too... He would have hated whoever kept that from him, not that here was anything he could have done in that situation.

Why didn't he tell Emil...? Even now, words die before they can get past his throat. Maybe not trying to force them out will be less painful...]

I don't know.

Oh.

( It doesn't even register that the message gets sent telepathically, which Emil isn't sure why. Should he be irritated? Probably -- he just can't find it in him all of a sudden. Just a weary tiredness.

He rests himself against the wall, not really committing to any emotion except exhausted suddenly. It's easier than having to think about much. Tomorrow might be easier but that seems so far away suddenly. )

I want to know about things like this. You didn't have to be alone and awake all the time.

I knew her too. ( It's a lot easier to just say whatever you think when there's telepathy involved. Of course it matters more to Lalli, but this shouldn't have been information that he held to himself for more reasons than one. )

[He knew her, too.]

...

[Lalli pushes himself up to his feet, not looking as he reaches back to pat Emil on the head.]

Thank you for being here.

[This time, even if Lalli doesn't...know how he feels about the rest. It had been the Emil of his dreams, in a way. Present, relieved he was okay, speaking in a way he understood... Why did it all have to feel so much worse?]

I have to go. I...will tell you, next time.

[He owed him that, after this much failure, and with bad news always just around the corner.]

( Being pat on the head is different -- Lalli's done it before, but it feels. Different. It's frustrating for things to be so negative and unchangable, but that had essentially been the flavor of the past week or so in Denmark anyway. Sue him for wanting things to be a little more uplifting.

That now seems impossible with death to deal with. )

Of course. ( Telepathy isn't Emil's typical form of communication, so he makes the effort to switch back. It feels more impersonal to just send messages on some neural network. ) I'll see you soon, Lalli.

( He definitely means it. There's no way he can stay content with just letting Lalli stay alone anymore, whether it's wanted or not. But it makes sense that he needs space in this moment, so he'll give it to him. )

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And I lay there wondering, what is the matter?

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