And I lay there wondering, what is the matter?

[lalliho]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and Emil Västerström.
Where: Coven house (?)
When: Backdated to the morning of Day 34.
Open/Closed: Closed.

[When he was young, he'd forced himself to accept the idea of waking up in a different place than he'd gone to sleep. Spirit walking should have made that easier to swallow, but there he knew he'd always be in his haven the next time sleep rolled around. Soul exactly where it was meant to be. His body never really had the same luxury... Even in places he'd been told were home now, he never felt like he wasn't...out of place. But he accepted it.

It was harder now. Every day had been new in the Silent World, when he'd actually been given the opportunity to sleep -- and there had been times his advice on where to go had been completely ignored, it seemed -- but even that was nothing compared to this completely alien universe. He had his connection with his gods back, sure, but...

He felt so disconnected all the same.

When the lynx returns, he welcomes it with a gratefulness and love that almost hurts. They failed -- or Lalli did, as the lynx had no say in the plan despite its participation -- but at least they won't die alone in this unfamiliar land. Not because of Lalli's mistakes. Not yet.

Empty even with his soul back together, he makes himself accept waking up here, different still from where he'd expected, with a shuddered sigh.]

Comments

[lalliho]

[Right. Emil doesn't have the connecting thread of alone tangling up his insides.

Last time he'd hoped beyond hope, deluded himself, that there were people there for him. A friend waiting. Superiors in rank not acting superior because they valued his hard work. Him. Family.

Gods, he shouldn't have brushed her aside like that in his dream... What a horrible person he is. Because now she's gone when she had been one of the few things that stuck by him in his life. He was alone.]

You weren't. I'm not stupid just because I couldn't understand you, I woke up and you were all talking about that stupid kitten together. None of you cared.

[enflame]

( Lalli sure likes to fall back on "stupid" a lot -- calling Emil stupid, saying he's not stupid. He's quite sure that neither of them are stupid, and that he's never intentionally tried to treat Lalli like he's an idiot.

...Well, maybe right after he met him. But since then it's more like he's found him baffling, not an idiot. )

What do you mean I didn't care? I checked on you every day. I tried to get everyone to explain what was going on to me and look after you -- I was right next to you when you started to scream your lungs out. You had a clump of my hair in your hands.

( This may have come out as more forceful than he would have liked, but he doesn't like the insinuation that he was being lackadaisical when he was one of the only people -- the only person -- who wanted to give a damn. )

You're mad at me just because you woke up when I wasn't right there, and I did try to talk to you right after you woke up. Remember? ( HIS FACE DOES. ) Is that why you were so irritated?

[lalliho]

[He doesn't respond. Outside of breathing, he doesn't move. There's a few crumbs or pieces of dirt or something between his makeshift bed and the wall... Figuring out which one it was would be really easy, if disgusting. He doesn't think it bothers him enough to put it to the test... Things like that usually didn't. As long as it stayed closer to the wall and him. That would be good.

...It's not a good distraction from all of this. Emil says he was there...]

In my dream, I...didn't have to rely on anyone. People relied on me. But they were really nice about it. I...understood every word, and the ways you treated me.

I didn't have to be alone.

[His teeth clench painfully together, and he can feel his nails digging in to where he's holding himself, too. Thank the gods for telepathy.]

[enflame]

( Lalli's switch to telepathy makes him start at first. He'd taken to sort of staring at his knapsack while Lalli was silent again, not sure if the absence of reaction was a good thing or a bad thing. Usually when Lalli was angry he lashed out immediately, but maybe he accidentally stepped on some sort of landmine and he was storing up power for an explosion.

Emil vaguely became aware of his stomach in knots at that moment.

But when he talks and then suddenly the voice is in his head and not his ears, Emil looks at him to see why he can't talk normally, or whether he just doesn't want to. He can't see his complete body, but he's noticeably tense. It's amazing how someone who is all bones and angles can become even sharper.

Whether or not it's the right thing to do, Emil's most comforting gesture is to put a hand on Lalli's shoulder and squeeze reassuringly. b>)

I know they aren't here. ( And he knows Tuuri can't be. ) But you aren't alone. I can understand you now. Things can be different.

[lalliho]

[He flinches like Emil's gentlest touch could leave a burn that lasted years, but he doesn't move to slap him away or run from the room. He just...is. He exists. He lies there and breathes in a strange place with a strange boy that he couldn't stop caring for no matter how he tried, and who -- for some fucking reason -- seems to care about him. Enough to try and convince him he wasn't alone, anyway.

When he realizes he's holding his breath, he holds it a little longer until he can't stand it anymore. Then it leaves him with a loud shudder.]

...Don't touch me. Stay.

[enflame]

( It sounds like he had done both a simultaneously right AND wrong thing, which he'll take it. He retracts his hand with a jerk as soon as Lalli demands it, and he doesn't have any plans of leaving so the second order is easy to follow.

It feels like Lalli's tenseness has transferred to him, and the unease doesn't leave. He's not used to complex emotions, and leaving things so ambiguous doesn't sit well on the knots in his stomachs. Emil lets the air ride for a minute while his mind thinks of something to offer. )

I don't know if Finns have special things they do for...death rites. ( He says those last two words very gingerly, both to try and mitigate the upset and also to test them out. He'd only found out one of his crewmates died five minutes ago, after all. It was still surreal. ) Maybe you can do something -- not here since I don't know if we're staying. I think we're supposed to return to that space rock with the beach.

It would make me feel better if I could give a family member a semi-proper send off, anyway. ( That he is sure of. He may not know Lalli's family, but he does know family. At least it's the thought that counts. )

[lalliho]

[Very slowly, he shifts to be on his back and less closed off from Emil, though he doesn't look over at him. He doesn't really want to.]

...I can't do anything for her here. Or the...other island. I'm too far, so I can't help.

[Finnish practices these days were all about the deceased, not the grieving. Sucks to have corrupted souls be a thing...!]

[enflame]

( Well it was worth a shot. He lets out a long breath while he still tries to wrap his mind around the issue. Emil doesn't pretend to understand how this extreme magic works -- whether they'd eventually be plopped back home in real time, stranded in the middle of some Danish forest because they'd been gone for months while everyone else eventually got picked up and taken back. Regardless, he'd never actually thought too hard about what would have been different if that was the case.

More or less, Emil just assumed that life would resume as normal and nothing would be different. But even if he really didn't care too deeply for Tuuri, it feels numbing that upon returning she would be no more.

The line of thought creates a few mental threads, like what was going to happen after the mission and the real and disgusting dangers of his world, but he quickly closes the door on that untapped part of his brain. It's just...he doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with all that yet.

Instead he focuses on something else his mind sort of connected together that didn't occur to him until a few moments ago. )

Lalli...you knew about her since we got here, right? ( One of those knots in his stomach turns out to be the mixed emotions of feeling foolish for walking around ignorant of this information while also not being able to do anything for his friend before now. ) ...Why didn't you tell me?

[lalliho]

[He can feel his breath hitch. Yeah, that would have been something that made him mad, too... He would have hated whoever kept that from him, not that here was anything he could have done in that situation.

Why didn't he tell Emil...? Even now, words die before they can get past his throat. Maybe not trying to force them out will be less painful...]

I don't know.

[enflame]

Oh.

( It doesn't even register that the message gets sent telepathically, which Emil isn't sure why. Should he be irritated? Probably -- he just can't find it in him all of a sudden. Just a weary tiredness.

He rests himself against the wall, not really committing to any emotion except exhausted suddenly. It's easier than having to think about much. Tomorrow might be easier but that seems so far away suddenly. )

I want to know about things like this. You didn't have to be alone and awake all the time.

I knew her too. ( It's a lot easier to just say whatever you think when there's telepathy involved. Of course it matters more to Lalli, but this shouldn't have been information that he held to himself for more reasons than one. )

[lalliho]

[He knew her, too.]

...

[Lalli pushes himself up to his feet, not looking as he reaches back to pat Emil on the head.]

Thank you for being here.

[This time, even if Lalli doesn't...know how he feels about the rest. It had been the Emil of his dreams, in a way. Present, relieved he was okay, speaking in a way he understood... Why did it all have to feel so much worse?]

I have to go. I...will tell you, next time.

[He owed him that, after this much failure, and with bad news always just around the corner.]

[enflame]

( Being pat on the head is different -- Lalli's done it before, but it feels. Different. It's frustrating for things to be so negative and unchangable, but that had essentially been the flavor of the past week or so in Denmark anyway. Sue him for wanting things to be a little more uplifting.

That now seems impossible with death to deal with. )

Of course. ( Telepathy isn't Emil's typical form of communication, so he makes the effort to switch back. It feels more impersonal to just send messages on some neural network. ) I'll see you soon, Lalli.

( He definitely means it. There's no way he can stay content with just letting Lalli stay alone anymore, whether it's wanted or not. But it makes sense that he needs space in this moment, so he'll give it to him. )