when everything's made to be broken [open.]

[lalliho]

Who: Lalli Hotakainen and ????
Where: Aimintas places.
When: over the week, days 54-57? Ish?
Open/Closed: so open, man.

[ A - MEDITATION. ]

[He's trying to practice mindfulness. It's hard even when you know what it is and the process, so Lalli's finding it almost impossible. His job is to be aware of everything -- every little crunch or rustle or hushed sigh of a predator. Even prey. He was to be one with the forest and all that came with it...or he would fail.

Now he needed to close his eyes and breathe deep. He needed to understand not the world around him, but himself. Why had he pushed his limits as if it was his only choice? Why had he shoved people away when he was afraid of being left alone? Lalli needed to get himself back under control before he destroyed himself and others.

Being able to flip the switch on his Qri-given magic would be a-okay, too.]

Hey. What's your coven ability?

[laziest-sounding interrogator ever...he's trying to be zen, okay!!]

[ B - RITUALS. ]

[He hasn't tended to his wounds. As far as he's concerned, having evidence for himself that he was actually around to help this time was...good. Calming. Besides, as a mage, he has far more important things to attend to.

The Palai don't follow the same gods or traditions as his people do, and it feels wrong to abandon those, but if he could swallow his pride and accept help from an idiot Icelandic mage, he can swallow it again and offer aid where he can to these wandering souls.

The rest of the clean up? ...Not much he can do there, with these twigs he calls arms, but feel free to try and boss him around or tend to his wounds when he's on break from death rites and stuff, or whatever.]

[ C - CUDDLEBUG. ]

[When you're typically repulsed by the human touch -- when every grab to redirect or secure you feels like a rough, deadly vice -- cuddling...does not come naturally to you. Lalli's left fidgeting and scratching at himself, picking apart the weak, fresh scabs forming over the battle's results, because something was off in a way it never had been before. If he'd longed to be held as a child like he wishes now, the memory had long since left him.

He's left with one very obvious conclusion he shares via the signet -- though he also says it aloud in case there's anyone in the immediate vicinity that can help him.]

I think something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm poisoned?

[...Heck. He needs to find Emil and make sure he's okay at least, but... Should he really expose him to this problem? Ugh, quieting fears is so hard.]

[ D - GIVE ME THE WILDCARD.]

[cough.]

Comments

[lalliho]

[Oh...]

...I did.

[But great. Just...great. He'll just pick up a whisk and sulk, I guess.]

I wanted to do a lot of stuff that I don't...like? And it was okay but I don't know if I can...do it again.

[actus]

[ ah. the context is making it easier to discuss whatever it is. akira isn't entirely sure what they're talking about, but he cracks some eggs and begins adding flour and sugar to a bowl before handing it to lalli to begin whisking. ]

That makes more sense. [ he can begin to understand, at least? ] What about it don't you usually like? What was different?

[lalliho]

[He wrinkles his nose and stares at the ingredients. First of all:] What am I supposed to do with this?

[he. doesn't cook, let alone bake.]

[actus]

[ ah, that's right - ]

Ah... just mix it together. You'll know when you're done when it's kinda pasty and you can't recognize any of the ingredients anymore.

[lalliho]

[Kinda pasty... He can do that. Sure.]

Um. Sometimes...things are different for me, I guess, and I don't know why, but people say it's really weird when I don't like a lot of things. [Slow breaths, just keep focused. Actually, there's something both disgusting and fascinating about mixing the ingredients together, and linking that to his own current predicament sort of helped. Ooey gooey bouncing off powder and sprinkles, then melting together with the effort he put forth... Weird.] Touching is like that. But when it was different, it...wasn't.

[the clearest]

[actus]

[ that makes sense. none of his friends are like that, exactly, but he's certain people like shiho are. everyone has their own reasons, and he's certain lalli has his, too. it's not weird. at least, not to akira. then again, akira tends to be more understanding, more willing to listen than most. ]

I don't think that's weird. For what it counts. [ there's a shrug. ] People express how they feel in different ways.

[ some people hug, some people use words. it's fine - ] ... When was this? [ wait a second........ ] You said it was recent, right?

[lalliho]

[His stirring starts to become a little more like stabbing as he's trying to get rid of some weird lumpy bits and his awkward feelings.]

...Last night.

[actus]

[ .... oh. ]

I see. [ a slow nod. that would mean - ]

...if it makes you feel better, a lot of people were acting - [ what's the word? ] different yesterday. Last night. Around that timeframe.

[lalliho]

[With the way his stirring slows to a stop, his shoulders drop, and a heavy sigh leaves him, it's probably safe to say that this does not make him feel any better.]

I knew it couldn't be real. I'm not like that. How am I supposed to go back there?

[actus]

[ umm.... ]

... I don't think it made anyone do anything they didn't want to. It just ... made it warmer? Easier?

[ he isn't sure how to phrase this, uhm - ]

What did he say? To you asking?

[lalliho]

[huff]

No, you don't understand. No one understands...

[He's just. Gonna set the mixing bowl down on the counter. It needs a little more mixing, but he's just a tad too agitated.]

I don't know. That I should, I think.

[actus]

[ lalli that bowl. needs mixing. stop that. akira is about to start on the frosting but he glances over and - oh. ]

You don't think you should?

[lalliho]

[Let him sulk!!!]

I don't have a lot of stuff. I don't sleep. I don't need to have a place to stay.

[Which doesn't exactly answer the question, but facts are easier.]

I only asked because I felt weird and I wanted to. But I'm not feeling weird anymore.

[actus]

But you wanted to.

[ at some point? akira is trying to parse through this. oh - he's going to hand lalli some more sugar now. ]

...can you add that to the bowl?

[lalliho]

[dumps it in carelessly and goes back to stab-mixing.]

I wanted to do a lot of stuff. I wanted to be held by him. I do not do that.

[actus]

[ stab-mixing.... he won't question it.... he'll just try and look for a baking pan... ]

...Does it feel weird when people normally touch you? ... Does it hurt?

[ he knows that lalli doesn't do the whole touching thing - he's said as much - but he's curious as to the why. ]

[lalliho]

[stab stab stab]

Yes. No. Both?

[IT'S COMPLICATED]

It just...becomes too much.

[actus]

Mm. Sensory overload?

[ he's taking "stabs" in the dark right here - ]

[lalliho]

[This time, the wrinkle in his nose a more thoughtful. It does...sound right, if he's understanding it.]

...No one's had a name for it before.

[Mental health wasn't a huge concern, outside of ptsd, in their little military town working to reclaim their country from terrifying body horror monsters.]

I think that's right.

[actus]

[ akira makes a thoughtful noise as he begins whisking together the frosting, adding in some sugar and chocolate powder. who knows why the kitchen had that? ]

My sister is kind of like that. [ at least, he calls her his sister. ]

... she didn't really talk to anyone for a couple of years. She never left her room. When she finally came out, she hid behind me or my guardian and didn't like talking to people or getting close to them.

[lalliho]

[...He likes this sister. The idea of her makes his heart swell and hurt at the same time. While his attention slides over to Akira, his mixing has become much smoother. Seems he's calmed down from his frustration, with this knowledge that he's not alone in it. Heck, it has a name.]

Yeah. It's not...exact, but it's close to that. So...what would happen if she started not being like that for a day, and then changed back to herself? Or... I don't know.

[actus]

[ he's going to liiiightly nudge the pan towards lalli as well as some of the chocolate powder. just some gentle guidance! but really... ]

...Stir that in and then you can dump it all in the pan.

[ right, back to futaba - ]

I mean, we stole her heart and she started getting used to things, day by day. She isn't completely different but.

[lalliho]

[This time, the powder is added much more deliberately and stirred in, but when it comes to pouring it in the pan...it's a little messy...]

Um? I don't think that's going to happen. For me.

[people are gross, love is painful.]

That doesn't help me for later...

[actus]

Maybe it'll change over time. Or maybe it won't. ... But there's nothing wrong with you. Or with her.

[ he's going to watch in amusement and kind of just... reach over to dab lightly at the pan to clean away the excess. ]

Right. Now we just put it in the oven.

[lalliho]

[That's being left to Akira -- Lalli doesn't really know a lot about ovens outside of the fact that his cousin had been absolutely convinced Lalli would somehow injure himself if he got too close to it, after he'd taken over raising him and Tuuri. Instead, Lalli's going to hop up onto the counter and watch his dangling legs.]

...Hn.

[Not...sure what he thinks about that. It's nice to hear, maybe? Maybe.]

I don't know what to do. It's going to be weird and scary.