I did. [That much is true.] But, I guess... well, um, hm, how to put this... [Jake tips his head back.] I loved the thrill of it most days, the anticipation of a fanciful stroll turning into a heated scrum. And I loved getting into fisticuffs most days, too. But...

[He worries his bottom lip in thought.] Sometimes, losing all the time got to me. And turning it to, um, the easier setting... I wasn't ready to deal with that knotted mess of feelings it brought on. And sometimes I just... wanted to let my guard down for a little bit.