[He still wonders how that works? Then again, do scientist even know how cats purr? He remembers that being a mystery. He remembers Roxy talking his ear off about that particular scientific mystery.]
It was an idiotic amount of stuff. Honestly, it's hard to try to explain it with all the elements going on. A lot of bad things happened, and I caused a number of them, and I tried to run from a lot of it. I didn't want to face the consequences of my actions, or the possibility my friends hating me, or a world where they were all dead. I know that I'm supposed to be brave and a badass and face up to things, and that doesn't just apply to fighting bad guys with a sword. But that is basically the only kind of badass I'm capable of being, which is to say, it's the sort of badass that doesn't really matter or count for much.
So I'm mad at myself for not being able to handle this city, because it's another way that I'm failing to be the kind of person I wished I was. And I'm embarrassed about you seeing it because I get embarrassed by people seeing that I'm not that person.
Does that make sense?
[With the monotone and the calm, it's a weirdly detached way to talk about it all—analytic, self-reflective, but not especially emotional. There's something about trying to explain things to Geir that compels Dirk to take a step back, in the hopes of laying out all the foibles and confusions of human existence to someone who is still trying to learn it.]
no subject
It was an idiotic amount of stuff. Honestly, it's hard to try to explain it with all the elements going on. A lot of bad things happened, and I caused a number of them, and I tried to run from a lot of it. I didn't want to face the consequences of my actions, or the possibility my friends hating me, or a world where they were all dead. I know that I'm supposed to be brave and a badass and face up to things, and that doesn't just apply to fighting bad guys with a sword. But that is basically the only kind of badass I'm capable of being, which is to say, it's the sort of badass that doesn't really matter or count for much.
So I'm mad at myself for not being able to handle this city, because it's another way that I'm failing to be the kind of person I wished I was. And I'm embarrassed about you seeing it because I get embarrassed by people seeing that I'm not that person.
Does that make sense?
[With the monotone and the calm, it's a weirdly detached way to talk about it all—analytic, self-reflective, but not especially emotional. There's something about trying to explain things to Geir that compels Dirk to take a step back, in the hopes of laying out all the foibles and confusions of human existence to someone who is still trying to learn it.]